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I hope you find something here to comfort your grieving heart. Please visit any time.
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SURVIVOR'S GUIDE:
Coping with the Outside World
Grief will not be cheated. It takes as much time as it needs. Our task is to be attentive
when the messages of mind and memory come. Martha Whitmore Hickman
On this page
Coping with the Outside World
Suddenly Single: 10 Things to Take Care of Right Away
Your Will, Your Legacy of Love
We Teach Best What We Need to Know
Reference Links
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The information on this page is for reference only and is not intended as financial or legal counsel. Some of the material is based on the experience of settling my mother's estate. The ideas and links presented here may be useful following the death of a spouse, life partner, or for anyone encumbered with executor duties while grieving the death of a loved one. If you need help, please seek professional advice.
Most of us don't think about dying when we are age 20, 30, or even 40, but untimely death can and does occur. Your Will, Your Legacy of Love covers plans that you can put in place now, from age 18 on, that will help your loved ones cope later. Please visit again.
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COPING WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD
There are things I can't yet bear to think about. They cause me so much grief.
Life has started again. Marcel Proust
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Few times in our lives are more overwhelming than the death of someone we love. At a time when we are least able to think, we need to make important decisions: everything from funeral arrangements to the financial details of the estate that require certified copies of the death certificate. As difficult as it is to accept, the outside world will continue to make demands on us despite our grief and inability to focus.
The following suggestions will help you cope with financial responsibilities and other demands of the outside world during this very difficult time.
1. Take care of yourself.
Basic activities of daily living go by the wayside when a loved one dies. Grief is physically demanding and produces profound fatigue. Your body’s stress response can weaken your immune system and make you susceptible to illness. Attempt to maintain some sort of routine by eating balanced meals on a regular schedule, (include your favorite comfort foods), attending to basic hygiene and getting enough sleep. Click Insomnia from the Grieving Heart page for ideas on how to get a better night's sleep. Use your back button to return here.
Try taking a short walk every day, but don't overdo the exercise because your body needs extra rest. Say NO when you are asked to help with a project or attend a party. Don't worry, you won't decline forever, but you do need to conserve your energy right now.
Continue taking prescribed medications. Multi-vitamins help boost your immune system. Excessive alcohol intake will not bring your loved one back, but it can prolong your suffering by suppressing your emotions, or complicating your situation even more. See your doctor if you are having troublesome syptoms of acute grief such as insomnia or abrupt mood changes.
2. Experience the emotions of grief.
Set aside the time to grieve because grief is your expression of love for the dear one who has died. Don’t hold back tears—cry if you want to without apology. The more you can let your emotions out and express them, the more you are doing the important work of grief. After the death of a loved one, we are always healing, never healed. The healing from grief is like a burn—slow healing does occur but we are never the same again. By experiencing the raw emotions of grief, the pain does become less intense, and less crippling, over time.
3. Focus on one day at a time.
Sometimes the idea of living the rest of our lives without our loved one overwhelms us, but the only moment we really have is right now. Try to focus on today and what you need to do to make it through only this one day. If this is too much, break the day into smaller parts, one morning at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Ask yourself: What do I need to do this very minute to take care of me?
4. Develop a support system for your grief.
You think you are doing OK and then out of nowhere, the dark clouds hover once more. Grief needs to talk, to cry and to remember. Decide which relatives and friends will truly listen to your grief. Develop a support system of people who will be there for you when you have the need to pour your heart out.
During this time of sorrow, you may not have the energy or desire to deal with new people or situations. It is not uncommon to wait six months to a year after the death of a loved one to seek professional help, but experience has taught us that there is much to be gained from support. At the very least, you can get information now for later use.
Local grief support groups are often listed in the newspaper. Whether you find support online, in the Yellow Pages under Hospice, through your employer, in a local hospital, or offered at your place of worship, there is comfort in talking and sharing grief experiences with others who mourn--when you are ready. For more information on the value of support groups, please refer to An Act of Courage.
5. Don’t compare your "progress" to others.
I believe we do a great disservice to ourselves when we compare our own grief to others who mourn. You may say, "Virginia's husband died just a few months ago and she is doing so well. Why can’t I pull myself together like that?" Every person’s grief is unique. You don’t know what Virginia is like at 3 AM.
It is not a true measure of anything to compare our insides to anyone's outsides. Appearances are just that. Berating ourselves for being human serves no useful purpose. Believe that you are doing the best you can at any given moment in your unique experience of grief. To read more, click The Trap of Comparisons.
6. Avoid making big money decisions.
The world is full of people who want to tell you what to do with your money, especially if they believe you have just received a life insurance benefit or inheritance check. Beware. Protect your money in a low-risk account such as a money market or savings account until you are able to make plans for your future.
Postpone any major decisions about money or investments for at least three to six months, although some financial advisers recommend waiting one year before making significant changes. Focus, instead, on the actions you must take soon such as applying for life insurance benefits, settling the estate, and assuming control of bank accounts, if it is your duty to do so.
Consider working with a financial planner but use caution here, too. Ask friends, family and professional people you trust to recommend someone. You don't want to give a stranger free reign over your money at a time when you are most vulnerable. Refer to Reference Links for more information on locating a reputable financial expert.
I inherited half of my mother's retirement savings. I put it in a money market account. I didn’t realize that banks dislike significant sums of idle money. Banks want to use your money and any large deposit doing nothing but earning interest is a red flag for the bank to call you.
I began getting calls from Customer Service reps—strangers—who sounded too young to have worker permits. Wouldn’t I just love to invest my money? Every time a call came in, I would explain the money was inheritance from my mother’s death and no, I did not want to invest it right now. I added, "Please do not call again. Let me call you."
By law, the callers should have taken my name off the list because I asked them to, but they did not. Week after week I was barraged by invitations to invest my money. Finally I phoned Customer Complaints and demanded that my name be taken off the call list—and if it wasn’t, I was finding a bank willing to listen to me. I told the bank representative that the money was in the account because my mother was dead. I didn’t want a perky stranger telling me what to do with my inheritance. I wasn’t ready to do anything with it because I was grieving. The calls stopped.
Inheriting money because a loved one has died can produce complex emotions. Discussing profit from my dead mother's money felt obscene to me at the time. I feel differently two years later because I know my mother was proud of her life’s work as a librarian. My inheritance was her legacy of love and she wanted me to have some financial security. Please don't allow yourself to be pressured by financial people. Take your time making big money decisions.
It is wise to avoid making life-altering decisions of any kind, unless absolutely necessary, until the shock of grief has given way to the reality of permanent loss. Examples of big life decisions include: a major move, retirement, changing jobs, selling the house, or divorce. This is the worst time to make changes that can have far-reaching consequences. Once your life has stabilized (with scars) you will be relieved that you didn't make major decisions, or poor choices, during the emotional roller coaster of new grief.
7. Make an inventory of bills and other financial obligations.
As hard as it is to think about money after a loved one dies, this is the time to pay attention to details. Do you know when the next insurance premium is due? Is there a membership or registration that will lapse if you miss a payment? When are the utility bills due? You don't want to lose your electricity or heat through neglect.
Is there a will? Do you know where it is? Who is executor of the estate? Are you responsible for any outstanding debts of the estate? Can you retrieve the financial information and documents that you need? Begin to organize important documents and bills, but do so for short periods of time. If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, set everything aside for a while and come back to it later--but do continue the effort in small steps.
8. Create a calendar to keep track of what needs to be done. Note any key events during this time period.
The death of a loved one brings home how little control we really have over our lives. Major changes often produce panicky feelings. Panic is similar to the feeling of fear. It is a time of high anxiety as we worry about all the changes, perhaps getting the legal things done, having enough money to live on, or wondering if we can live on our own.
It is hard to focus on one thought or task if your mind is racing. You may be forgetful and disorganized and have feelings of losing your mind. You are not losing your mind. You are grieving.
Questioning your sanity is a normal part of grief and there are things you can do to help yourself. Give yourself permission to operate at fifty percent for a while. If your mind is racing, or you are running from one burdensome chore to another accomplishing nothing, the most helpful thing you can do for yourself is to slow down.
Please remember this: Not everything has to be done today. What can wait? Make a list of the tasks you must complete. Prioritize the list, putting a number one by the task that needs done first, then a number two by the next job, and so on.
At a time when even the simplest tasks create confusion, a calendar makes financial duties more manageable. You can get a feel for the big picture while attending to the smaller parts: What do I do next? When do I make a payment and for how much? At what time of the month do I receive income? Record any key events that repeat themselves, such as quarterly taxes due or the car needs routine maintenance, because this will help you remember those details in the coming months.
9. Ask for help.
Grieving is the hardest work that you will ever do, but the demands of the outside world are less burdensome when others lend a hand. The most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out for help. Is there someone in your close circle of family and friends, someone you trust, who would be willing to help you with banking, paying bills or doing household chores that drain you of all your energy? If so, please ask.
Managing money after the death of a loved one can be overwhelming, even repulsive, but it is vital to your welfare to attend to fiscal matters. Don't stuff the bills in a drawer or let them pile up on your desk. Financial chaos added to the anguish of grief produces devastating hardship.
Find someone you trust who will help you with the practical, yet time-consuming, issues over the next few months until you are thinking better. Give yourself the time to do grief's important work because it is essential to your health and healing.
All the suggestions listed here are easier said than done. They require enormous effort and can feel like grim burdens. You are grieving the death of someone precious to you. Please be kind to yourself as you travel this new and rocky road.
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SUDDENLY SINGLE:
10 Things to Take Care of Right Away
The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one minute to the next.
Mignon McLaughlin
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The death of a spouse or life partner is devastating, made even more difficult because it also involves a number of legal and financial matters. Despite shock and grief, spouses must face important decisions and some decisions need to be addressed as soon after the death as possible.
This is also true if you are the executor or co-executor of any estate. My mother lived more than a decade longer than my father. When she died, my sister and I were left to settle her affairs. Mom made things easier for us because she had a detailed will but that didn’t make the tasks any less final—or any less painful. It would have been much worse for us, however, if our mother had not planned ahead.
The following list may help you think things through at a time when it is hard to focus. Of course not everything listed here will apply to your circumstances, but it may give you ideas on how to begin.
If you are a life partner, but not legally married, your rights to inheritance are not so clear because laws vary from state to state. Please consult an estate attorney if you are a life partner with inheritance questions. The ten steps below pertain to surviving spouses but can also be adapted to adult children with the duty of settling their parents' estate.
Ten Things to Take Care of Right Away:
A Financial Checklist
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1. Request 10-12 certified copies of the death certificate from the funeral director so that you will be able to file insurance and Social Security claims and retitle joint accounts.
2. Locate important papers and documents including insurance policies, business agreements, income tax forms, bankbooks, online passwords and ID codes, military records and membership cards. Any of these may entitle you to benefits that you do not know about now.
3. If you are the beneficiary of a life insurance policy, notify your agent to file a claim, and contact Social Security to file for benefits. If your spouse was a veteran, notify the Veterans Administration to apply for benefits, if applicable.
4. Contact your spouse’s Employee Benefits Office and discuss any final compensation coming to you, as well as life insurance, pension, profit sharing benefits, and accident insurance, if this applies to your situation.
5. Locate your spouse’s will and request that your lawyer take steps to begin the probate process.
6. If your spouse had a safe deposit box in his or her own name, ask your lawyer about the proper way to retrieve its contents, since laws differ from state to state.
7. Did your spouse belong to any unions, professional or financial organizations, alumni associations, or other groups? If so, write to each one because membership might entitle you to death benefits, usually through a group life insurance policy.
8. Gather together the paperwork for outstanding debts and promissory notes. Check with the lenders to see of any debts carried an insurance rider that would pay the debt in full at your loved one's death.
9. Have your spouse’s name removed from all joint accounts, investments and joint property, including the titles to any vehicles. This one was especially hard for my sister and me because Mom loved her car. The symbolism of having our mother's name removed from the car title made her death feel oh-so final. You may want a trusted friend or family member with you for support when you remove your loved one’s name from legal documents.
10. Cancel extra credit cards or convert them to your name.
Please don’t take any financial actions that make you feel uncomfortable or that you don’t thoroughly understand. Never sign something without reading it first. Refer to Avoid making big money decisions for more on coping with the demands of the outside world while you grieve the death of your loved one.
Your net worth may increase after the death of your spouse, but whether you inherit money or not, you should revise your own estate as soon as possible, including review of your will, and changes in beneficiary designations for savings and investment programs.
Refer to Your Will, Your Legacy for a brief look at estate planning. Why is this the loving thing to do? Because planning now will help your loved ones cope when the time comes to settle your estate.
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YOUR WILL,
YOUR LEGACY OF LOVE
What a wonderful life I've had!
I only wish I'd realized it sooner. Colette
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Topics for Your Will, Your Legacy:
When Valerie Died
What Is an Estate?
Estate Planning Essentials
Your Will
How to Reduce Legal Fees
When Do I Need to Revise My Will?
Durable Powers of Attorney
Advance Directives / Living Will
Letter of Instructions
The Executor: Your Personal Representative
The Probate Process
Reasons to Avoid Probate
Other Considerations
WHEN VALERIE DIED
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When Valerie learned she needed surgery, she wrote out her will by hand, leaving her main asset, a house, to her lifelong friend Theresa. When Valerie died unexpectedly from complications of the surgery, Theresa learned that the will was invalid in her state.
Valerie did not have the will witnessed and she named no executor to her estate. After spending thousands of dollars in attorney fees to resolve those questions in court, Theresa never inherited what her friend had bequeathed her. Most lawyers agree that unless you draw up your will and estate planning documents very carefully, even the best-intentioned people can end up with documents that subvert their wishes.
The word estate may conjure images of mansions and gated driveways, but estate planning is not for only the very rich. Whether you own a lot, or not much at all, you have a right to decide what will happen to it upon your death. An estate plan is simply a way to ensure that your property goes to those you choose as quickly and with the least amount of expense as possible.
WHAT IS AN ESTATE?
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There are several methods to transfer property such as will, trusts, owning property jointly, naming beneficiaries on insurance policies, and retirement plans. But you can’t decide how to pass on your estate unless you know what comprises an estate.
Your estate includes everything you own at the time of your death: your house and its contents, all of your possessions (such as jewelry), car, savings accounts, insurance policies and securities. Although the actual value of your estate cannot be computed until your death, for good estate planning, you need to estimate the value for yourself. Why? Because only by knowing that value can you estimate the estate taxes due when you die. Sadly, many rightful heirs have lost entire estates because they could not pay the estate taxes. This is especially true of the hefty death tax on large tracts of land.
Tax laws change and the federal/state taxation on your estate changes with them. Figuring out the value of what you own is tricky because property can be owned in a variety of ways and the laws differ from state to state. Regardless of where you live, please consult an attorney if you are uncertain about ownership.
In fact, writing a will is one area where it pays to hire a lawyer. Spending a modest fee now to draw up an estate plan may save your heirs thousands of dollars later and it will help ensure that your heirs receive what you want them to receive.
ESTATE PLANNING ESSENTIALS
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At a minimum, your estate plan should include four documents:
A valid and up-to-date will
Durable powers of attorney
Advance directives (living will)
A letter of instructions
While most people see the value of a will, the other three estate planning documents may be less familiar. Please don’t skip over them. These documents can foster peace of mind for you now and later on for your heirs.
YOUR WILL
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Does every adult need a will? In most cases, the answer is yes. A will is a legal document that transfers your property after you die and names the person who will settle your estate. This person is the executor. The will also covers who will care for your minor children and who will administer any trusts that the will establishes. For parents of minor children, a will is the only way to legally name a guardian for them.
If you die intestate, without a will, you give up control over who gets what. While state law does provide distribution of your assets to your relatives, your family may not benefit, as you want them to benefit, because money, property and assets are divided according to your state’s laws of inheritance.
Children, for example, would receive the same amount with no consideration for their individual needs. People outside of your family, as well as charitable institutions, are not included. If no heirs are found after a reasonable search, the property passes to the state. Depending on the laws of your residing state, some form of estate tax may still be due.
By making your will, you express your wishes about:
* Beneficiaries
* An executor to administer your estate
* A guardian for your children
* Your charitable wishes
* Avoiding, or minimizing taxes, fees and expenses
WITHOUT A WILL...
Some friends and relatives for whom you would like to provide may be excluded.
The court appoints an administrator who may not understand your wishes and the administrator can charge an exorbitant fee.
A larger portion of your assets passes to the government and to administrators instead of your desired beneficiaries.
And if the other parent is not alive, the court will appoint a guardian. This may not be the person at all that you would have selected to care for your children.
Institutions that you want to support will not be remembered.
With so much at stake, why do two-thirds of all Americans die without a will? Most financial planners agree that the answer is simple denial. No one likes to think about death, especially his or her own. Try to think of estate planning this way: You are helping your loved ones by drafting a will because settling an estate without a will can be a legal nightmare.
Remember your own grief. At a time when your loved ones will be grieving you, you will decrease their burden because you have taken care of the details. Good estate planning is your legacy of love.
HOW TO REDUCE LEGAL FEES
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It pays off in the long run to get professional help when you write a will. A poorly written will that confuses your heirs can be far more costly to straighten out than the fees the lawyers charge to write a will. This small investment in estate planning is your best insurance that things will happen the way you want them to when you are not around to give instructions.
The best way to reduce legal fees is to prepare for the visit with the estate attorney, also called a probate lawyer. This preparation will reduce the time spent with the lawyer, and therefore, reduce the cost of the legal consultation. The decisions to make and ideas to consider in advance of your appointment include the approximate value of your estate and who should share in it.
The following list, prepared in advance, will help you make the best use of your time with the attorney:
Your legal name, social security number, date and place of birth, and current address. Provide the same information for a spouse.
The names and addresses of immediate relatives.
Information about deceased or former spouses.
The names and addresses of other individuals and charities you want to remember in your will.
All of your assets, how they are owned and their approximate value.
Your liabilities, in other words, your debts.
The name and address of the person you wish to serve as executor (or executrix) of your estate. Make sure this person is willing and able to take on the duties.
The names and addresses of guardians you may wish to name for minor children.
The specific item, dollar amount or percentage of your estate that you wish to give to each beneficiary.
Don’t forget your pets. Who will care for them when you die? Refer to the link below for ideas: Estate Planning for Your Pets.
When your will is complete(*), sign only the original and keep it in a place that is easy to locate. Your attorney’s office or fireproof safe at home is a better choice than a bank safe deposit box because in many states, the safe deposit box is automatically sealed when the owner dies. It is also a good idea to give a photocopy of your will to your executor and to keep one for your own files.
(*)In most states, a complete will is a signed and dated will, witnessed and signed by two people who are not related to you, and it names the executor of your estate.
WHEN DO I NEED TO REVISE MY WILL?
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You can always revise your will. Estate planning professionals recommend that you review your will whenever there is a major life event.
Examples of such life events include:
You move to another state.
Younger family members become less dependent.
Older relatives need your help.
Named beneficiaries die.
There are other changes in your family such as divorce or the birth of a child.
The value of your estate significantly increases or decreases.
Changes in federal income, gift and estate tax laws undermine tax-saving provisions in your will.
You decide to include special friends or worthy causes or you want to delete the names of people or charities listed in your will.
You change jobs and need to integrate your new employee benefits with your overall estate plan goals.
If you want to make only minor changes in your will, you can add a codicil, a legal document that details your wishes. Like the will itself, it must meet specific standards in order to be valid, so check with your attorney. If you have extensive changes, it is better to make a new will.
Most people spend an entire lifetime accumulating their hard-earned assets and spend less than an hour planning for how to pass them on. The time you take to organize a well thought out estate plan is a legacy of love in itself. It will help ensure that the goals you have for your loved ones will be met even if you are not around. It can also give you immense peace of mind knowing that your money and your property will be distributed just as you intended.
DURABLE POWERS OF ATTORNEY
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Being a property owner gives you the right to decide what happens to that property as long as you are of sound mind. But what happens if you become incapacitated through illness or accident and are unable to manage your own affairs? A court order may revoke your right to manage your own money and appoint a guardian for yourself through a durable power of attorney. There is a very good chance that the guardian will be a complete stranger to you.
A power of attorney is a written authorization for someone to act on your behalf for whatever purpose you spell out in writing. It expires if you become mentally incapacitated, the time you most need help. Durable powers of attorney continue to operate even if you become unable to manage your personal and financial affairs.
In other words, don’t you want to name the person who will manage your money when you no longer can? As long as you are mentally capable of making decisions, you can revoke the durable power of attorney whenever you like. You should validate your choice of durable power of attorney with your lawyer every four to five years to show that your intention still holds.
ADVANCE DIRECTIVES / LIVING WILL
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The Patient Self-Determination Act was passed as part of the Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1990 and took effect in December 1991. This Act requires health care providers to inform patients of their right to make their own health care decisions. The Act was intended to increase a patient’s control over his or her own medical treatment decisions. Today, the Act facilitates informed decision-making, a process that includes, but isn’t limited to, advance directives.
Advance directives include a living will, the durable power of attorney for health care, and the directive for organ donation. These are legal documents completed by competent adults and specify their choices regarding medical treatments if they become incapacitated. These documents also allow the patient to name someone to make choices for him if he can’t make the decisions on his own.
Advanced directives provide both legal and emotional advantages for you:
Your peace of mind that your wishes are carried out when you cannot communicate.
Clear directions for family and significant others about your wishes.
Clear directions for health care providers about your choices.
Your advance directive prevents, or reduces, family arguments at an emotionally difficult time because you have made your choices known to them. There is no added family burden of guess work.
Just as there is information that you can gather before you see an attorney about your will, there are preliminary steps you can take to prepare advance directives:
Obtain information about the types of life sustaining treatments available.
If you are currently ill, obtain information regarding the expected progress of your disease.
Discuss with your physician the expectations of your treatments and the risks of undergoing such treatments.
Decide which treatments you would or would not want to receive.
Document the types of treatment you would or would not like to receive if you no longer can communicate your choices.
Print several copies of the document and give one to your physician, your attorney and your chosen surrogates. Keep a copy for your own files.
Above all, make sure that your family and significant others are familiar with your values and spiritual beliefs. Let them know what life-sustaining treatments you do and do not want and under what circumstances you want all heroic medical measures stopped.
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A living will spells out your choices about what life prolonging treatment should be provided or withheld when you are no longer able to communicate those choices for yourself. It is usually implemented either in terminal illness or permanent disability. Estate planning experts recommend that all adults prepare a living will. Estate planning should focus on you as a person, not just your assets. Decisions you make about your own health care are part of that.
For a living will to be valid, it must be written while you are competent and of sound mind. You will want to review your living will periodically to ensure that its provisions still reflect your wishes.
In conjunction with your living will, you need a durable power of attorney for health care, or health care proxy. This document allows you to designate the person you want to make healthcare decisions on your behalf when you are unable to do so. If you have no relatives or significant others who can represent you and carry out your wishes appropriately, a health care provider other than the attending physician can be named as a surrogate decision maker. An attorney can also function in this capacity.
The living will and health care proxy each has a distinct function in your estate plan. The living will provides guidance to health care professionals and loved ones about your wishes regarding life-sustaining treatments, while the health care proxy names the person who is responsible for making health care decisions on your behalf. It is wise to have a health care proxy drawn up by a lawyer to ensure that it conforms to your state laws and court precedents.
We associate the phrase “right to die” with the tragedies of Nancy Cruzan, Karen Ann Quinlan and Theresa Schiavo, but long- term legal battles can occur whenever there is no living will or health care proxy in place. These battles come with high emotional cost. Please talk to your doctor about end-of-life care so you can make informed decisions about what you do or do not want. Then make these wishes clear to your loved ones now so they don’t have to guess, or argue, later.
A Word About Organ Donation
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Organ donation is a sensitive subject and it is certainly not for everyone. Some religions forbid it, while some people are appalled by its ghoulish nature. If the idea of gifting organs offends you, please skip this section.
Others are comforted by the thought, knowing that their final gift offers the recipient a second chance at life. If you wish to be an organ donor, please sign an organ donor card, have Organ Donor added to your driver’s license or register with your state’s online donation registry.
Even with legal documentation of consent for organ donation, hospitals typically request surrogate consent from family members. The single most important criterion for consent is your family’s knowledge of your wishes for organ donation. At a time when your family is under unimaginable stress, their decision for consent may be complicated by understandable horror and hesitation. Talk to your family and let them know that you are an organ donor.
Learn more and access your state's online donation registry at:
www.organdonor.gov
Not every state has its own organ donation registry, although most do. This site also details how to register on the national level. Link does not open a new window. Use your back button to return here.
LETTER OF INSTRUCTIONS
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A letter of instructions is not a formal legal document, but one you prepare to help ease the way for your grieving survivors. It gives you the opportunity to provide essential information as well as to clarify your wishes concerning a variety of personal and financial matters.
Your letter of instruction should include, but is not limited to:
Instructions on whom to call and what to do immediately following your death. Be sure to include your estate lawyer’s contact information.
Funeral instructions including memorial service wishes.
Instructions for handling any important financial matters that may need attention right away.
An inventory of investments, insurance policies and other important financial details, such as any debts you owe or money owed you.
Location of any valuable papers such as a copy of your will, deeds, military records and birth or marriage certificates. Include passwords and user IDs if you conduct online business.
My mother and father both wrote their own obituaries. While not many people are willing to do this, it is helpful to include a brief life history in your letter of instructions so that your loved ones have accurate information about your life. Examples include where you were born and went to school, your occupation, your civic activities, and the names of any relatives, living or dead, which you wish to have mentioned in your death notice.
Keep the instructions up-to-date since the information in it will probably change over time. Secure the letter in a safe place that can be located with ease. Be sure your family members know where to find your letter of instructions as they grieve the loss of you.
THE EXECUTOR:
Your Personal Representative
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You need to appoint an executor of your estate when you create your will. In some states, the executor is called a personal representative. The executor ensures that your estate is properly administered after your death. The executor is entitled to a fee based on the value of your estate, although the percentage varies from state to state.
Depending on the complexity of your estate, your executor may want to hire a probate lawyer to complete the paperwork.
Your executor will need to:
Present the will to the appropriate court.
Notify the people named as beneficiaries.
Notify Social Security, pension administrators, insurance companies and financial institutions.
Assemble and arrange for appraisal of assets.
Compute the value of the estate.
Claim any benefits payable to the estate.
Pay any outstanding bills, income taxes and any inheritance or estate taxes due.
Distribute the property left by will to the heirs.
Because the executor’s duties involve many time-consuming tasks, you should always get consent from the person you want to name. Also select an alternative executor in case your first choice is unable to do the job when the time comes. The person you choose as executor will need some financial knowledge, good record-keeping skills and sensitivity to the needs of your beneficiaries. Choose your personal representative with care.
THE PROBATE PROCESS
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Any property that is transferred by will is subject to probate, the legal process of proving in court that a will is valid. Because the process can be slow, expensive and frustrating, many people make avoidance of probate the focus of estate planning. Should you?
Probate is often a code word for avoiding lawyers’ fees, but the fees to probate an estate differ widely depending on where you live. Ask an estate-planning lawyer if probate costs in your state are especially burdensome. Consider, too, that probate can provide a useful forum if your estate has debts or claims from creditors. The alternative for resolving such claims is litigation, (lawsuits), a much more expensive and complicated process than probate.
If you wish to avoid probate, you can take advantage of other legal strategies for transferring your property such as pay-on-death accounts, joint ownership, and life insurance. Proceeds from life insurance policies, trusts, pensions and IRAs pass directly to whomever you name and are not subject to probate. These strategies should not be thought of as substitutes for a will but as supplements to your plan for passing on specific parts of your estate. I am not a lawyer. I will not detail any strategies for avoiding probate here because I am not qualified to do so.
REASONS TO AVOID PROBATE
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Most people know that probate court is expensive and time-consuming, reasons enough to avoid it if you can. But did you know:
After death, the will is filed with probate court in the county where the decedent lived. The estate is then considered open and of public record.
These public records include names, addresses and birth dates, beneficiaries, and bank account records, even bank account numbers and vehicle identification numbers.
Anyone who is seeking personal advantage from an open estate can read these public records including salesmen, real estate brokers and disgruntled family members.
The probate process can tie up property for months to more than a year because of creditor claims, tax filings and asset sales.
In probate, the court, not the family, supervises and authorizes the settling of all debts and payment of inheritances, which involves time, delays and expense.
Probate is expensive! The costs include court costs, appraisal fees and sometimes accounting fees. Executor and attorney fees are usually the largest expense of the estate.
To be fair, probate’s defenders contend that probate prevents fraud in the transfer of property and protects beneficiaries by promptly resolving creditors’ claims. However, most property is transferred within a close circle of family and friends and very few estates face large claims from creditors.
Probate is intrusive and time-consuming and offers few benefits for most families. As such, it is an unnecessary clerical expense.
With a little planning, you can spare your family the headache and heartache of the probate process. An experienced estate-planning attorney can help you keep your current and future assets out of probate court and in the hands of the ones you love.
OTHER THINGS TO CONSIDER
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This article presents only basic information to get you started on planning your estate. Other topics to consider are: how to calculate the value of your estate, establishing a trust, gifting, guardianship when a minor child is beneficiary, long-term care insurance, geriatric care management and legal ways to transfer property. This is not an all-inclusive list. Choosing the best estate plan for you depends upon your personal circumstances. Please seek professional advice because it is your will, and your legacy of love, for all those left to grieve for you.
REFERENCES FOR ALL ARTICLES ON THIS PAGE:
The content on this page is based on my own encounter with wills and probate, and good old research. I tried to be as accurate as possible but tax laws are always in flux. It is wise to verify that your facts are current before making any financial or legal decisions.
Refer to the links below for detailed information on managing money after the death of a loved one, especially the difficult, but immediate, tasks that require certified copies of the death certificate.
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WE TEACH BEST WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW
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I created the Survivor's Guide because of my involvement in helping my sister settle our mother's estate. We were fortunate because Mom had a wonderful probate lawyer and a thorough will. She thought of everything. But even with her attention to detail, my sister and I were laden with grief and there was still much work to do.
In the year following Mom's death, I realized three things: 1) I wasn't taking very good care of myself, 2) it was hard to grieve and learn about the estate process at the same time, and 3) my own affairs were in disarray. And so, Survivor's Guide was born. We teach best what we need to know. I hope it helps you find some semblance of order in the chaos. I wish you peace.
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REFERENCE LINKS / RESOURCES FOR THIS PAGE
Links open new windows.
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My E-mail: TheGrievingHeart@aol.com
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My grief will tell me what it needs from me every step of the way.
Martha Whitmore Hickman
© Copyright 2001-2008 Christine Jette. All rights reserved.
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