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I hope you find something here to comfort your grieving heart. Please visit any time.
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LETTERS FROM THE HEART
Was ever grief like mine? George Herbert
On this page
Heartfelt Letters: A Sacred Trust
Prolonged Grief / Sudden Death
Thoughts of Suicide During Grief:
The Natural Desire for Reunion
How Can I Help Him?
When Fathers Die
I Can't Believe He's Dead
Links
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HEARTFELT LETTERS:
A Sacred Trust
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I first started adding grief pages to my author web site in 2006 after the death of my mother. Since then I have received many heartfelt and poignant E-mails from fellow grievers. I try to answer every one. Topics often come up that are not covered in the main body of this web site. I include them here in Letters from the Heart.
Self magazine reports that about 2.5 million people die in this country every year, leaving behind an average of five loved ones. That's a lot of souls in pain. Grief is not a straight and narrow path. Some of us gradually move forward with our lives on our own; others benefit from a support group and/or spiritual guidance--and lots of us find comfort in an online community.
I am humbled that visitors to my site have trusted me with their inner most thoughts and feelings. I will honor that sacred trust. Because grief makes us fragile and vulnerable, I am not sharing actual letters that grievers have sent me over the years. The notes are too private. Instead, I am posting a brief summary of personal circumstances and my response. All the grievers' names have been changed to protect their privacy.
You will also find responses from Marty Tousley, a certified bereavement counselor. I forward some E-mails to her when I believe that the response calls for something outside the scope of personal caring. I will add to the page over time, so please visit again.
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PROLONGED GRIEF / SUDDEN DEATH
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I received an E-mail from a person suffering from prolonged grief, unable to move forward years after the deaths of loved ones. I asked my grief counselor friend Marty Tousley to reply to the letter. Here, in part, is her compassionate response:
"It is never too late to do the work of mourning. When the unfinished business of loss is getting in the way of living your life, it is always wise to pay it the attention it deserves, and if necessary, to seek outside, professional help in doing so. If you had a broken arm or leg, you wouldn’t think twice about seeking medical attention, yet here you are with a broken heart and you’re expecting to be able to “fix” it all by yourself.
Effective grief work is not done alone. Private, solitary activities such as reading and writing are wonderful, but it’s also helpful to work with others through talking, participating in bereavement counseling or finding support in a group. Reaching out to others is often very difficult when you’re struggling with grief, but experience has taught us that in grief, the more support and understanding we have around us, the better we will cope.
Rather than worrying whether or not it will help, you might consider counseling as a precious gift you can give to yourself. Effective counseling truly can change your life--and for the better.
I am reminded of an interesting article I read recently (in the Winter 2007 issue of the Wings Newsletter) entitled "Feeling the Agony of Sibling Death: My Story" by Diana Papilli. Describing how she came to terms with the violent murder of her brother twenty years before, Diana writes:
. . . I followed some early advice. I allowed myself to feel all of my feelings: anger, hatred, revenge, sorrow, pity, disgust, grief, regret, resentment and others. However, I did not wallow in them; not for long, anyway. I let them be and then let them pass . . .
I [also] used the services of a professional counselor. I did not seek him initially for my grief, yet all of my experiences came into those sessions with me. My grief helped shape both the things inside me I wanted to keep and wanted to release. A detached but compassionate counselor can go a long way in helping overcome the most difficult of obstacles. Grief support groups offer similar benefit.
Many years have passed and I sometimes have to revisit those feelings. I do not treat them as evil robbers at my threshold. Instead, I treat them as necessary assistants, showing me where I need to work next. Living a decent, joyous life despite John’s murder is the best tribute I can give to my brother. He wouldn’t want anything less." (end)
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THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE DURING GRIEF:
The Natural Desire for Reunion
The problem with death is absence. Roger Rosenblatt
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A woman I will call Anne wrote me because her life partner had died suddenly just ten days earlier. She yearned for a reunion with her loved one and expressed thoughts of suicide. She added that the only thing preventing her from killing herself was her religious beliefs.
I forwarded this painful letter to Marty Tousley. Once again, my grief counsleor friend answered an anguished cry for help with a tender and thoughtful response. May it comfort you, too, in the long dark journey of grief.
Dear Anne,
Please accept my deepest sympathy for this tragic loss of your life partner. When death comes suddenly and unexpectedly like this, the shock of it is beyond all understanding, and I can only imagine how your world has been turned upside down. I am so very sorry.
You say that you have thoughts of wanting to die so you can be with him. Keep in mind that feelings in grief are neither right or wrong, good or bad, and they’re not always rational – feelings just are, and for your own mental health it’s important to acknowledge them and express them.
So I want to commend you for acknowledging and expressing your thoughts of suicide. Most grieving people have those very same thoughts, but they are terribly afraid to share them for fear of being regarded as over-reacting or crazy, or for fear of scaring other people.
I want you to know that thoughts of suicide are not at all unusual when you are grieving. Right now you may have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless and pointless. It is difficult to imagine life without your loved one, and you're feeling a compelling need to join or be with him is understandable.
Keep in mind, however, that there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and actually acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately you want the pain of loss to end. You say that because you are religious you know that suicide is not an option, and I want to suggest to you if that alone is your reason for hanging on right now, then accept it and let it be enough.
You ask how you go on from here, and trite as it may seem, the answer is that you do it one day at a time, and if that is too much, you do it one hour and even one minute at a time. If you learn anything at all by reading the accounts of all the other mourners who are posting in these forums, I hope you’ll learn that there is no right or wrong way to do this thing called grief. There is only your way, and you must discover that way for yourself.
We can share with you all the things we’ve learned and done and tried to help ourselves along the way, but it is up to you to pick and choose what works for you and discard what does not. Just know that to do nothing, to simply let time pass as if “time heals all wounds,” is only to delay the work that needs to be done.
The passage of time does nothing to heal grief – it is what we do with the time that matters. So when you are ready to do so, I encourage you to read all you can find about grief in general and loss of a life partner in particular, so you will know what is normal and to be expected on this grief journey of yours, you’ll be better prepared for what lies ahead, and you’ll know what you can do to manage your own reactions.
See especially the Links page on my Grief Healing Web site, and look under the Death of a Spouse / Life Partner category. Follow some of the links listed there and learn what is unique about this special kind of loss. Please feel free to join the discussion group at any time.
I wish you peace and healing,
Marty T (end)
Marty’s letter addressed the natural desire for reunion with a loved one.
If you are contemplating suicide, please click on the link below and read it now:
www.metanoia.org/suicide
OR CALL TOll-FREE: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. You will be routed to the closest crisis center in your area. The Lifeline mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.
On a related yet different topic, what do you do with the complex emotions of grief after someone you love has taken his or her own life?
Click on Suicide Survivors Grief Support for hope and support after this devastating loss.
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HOW CAN I HELP HIM?
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A woman wrote that her fiance's mother had died recently and she was now concerned by her fiance's erratic behavior. He had a close relationship with his mother. Laura's own father had died the year before and her fiance's grief was so unlike her own. She thought he would benefit from grief counseling but he had no interest in it. How could she help her fiance grieve the death of his mother?
Dear Laura,
First, I am very sorry for the loss of your father. While loss and grief are universal, grief is deeply personal and no one grieves the same way. We each have our own timetable to grieve and grief cannot be forced or rushed. What helps you may not be right or helpful to your fiance. He must grieve the death of his beloved mother in his own time and in his own way. The greatest gift you can give him is the gift of acceptance. Accept him where he is and give him the time and freedom to grieve as he chooses.
I recommend a warm and supportive online grief discussion group sponsored by trained grief counselors. It is free but you do need to register to use it. A lot of grievers also find comfort, ideas and support from other grievers. You will find that you are not alone. How do you help a grieving loved one? Post the question that you wrote to me on the site. I think you will get many helpful responses.
Grief Healing Discussion Group
You can also E-mail a certified grief counselor that I know who responds to questions at the grief discussion site. Her name is Marty Tousely, RN.
E-mail: TousleyM@aol.com
You wrote that your fiance has said that he is losing his mind. This feeling of mental collapse is not at all uncommon in new grief. His struggle may be beyond anything you can do for him but you cannot force someone to get professional help. All you can do is to let him know that help is available, he is not alone and that you love him. Above all, please remember that there is no time limit on grief.
Here is a direct link to a section on my Grieving Heart page that discusses getting help for intense grief and how to locate the resources in most cities. It is called An Act of Courage.
Note, too, that men and women grieve in different ways, or as I read once, "Men sigh and women cry." Men tend to get busy, sullen or angry while women want to talk about their feelings. It is also important to avoid sterotypes: Of course some women get active with projects and some men cry. But please know that men are unlike women in their grief. To learn more about how men grieve, please visit Tom Golden's Crisis, Grief and Healing. It is helpful to men and the women who love them.
I can tell from your letter that you love the man you are trying to help. He is fortunate to have such a caring person in his life at this difficult time. I hope my note has comforted you a little. I pray you find the direction that you seek.
Peace to you,
Christine Jette
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WHEN FATHERS DIE
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A 62 year-old man wrote me about his father's recent death. David had been very close to his father and he was not getting much sympathy from friends or loved ones, especially from the other men in his family. In fact, one uncle (the deceased man's younger brother) had ridiculed his nephew for being childish: "Parents die, kid. Time to grow up." David was hurt and angered by his uncle's remark and asked me if his feelings of deep grief were abnormal or signs of weakness on his part. Here is my response:
Dear David,
I am so sorry for the death of your beloved father. Grief is our expression of love for the dear ones who have died. My prayer for you is that eventually the rawness and vulnerability you're feeling now will ease, and the day will come when dismissive comments will not hurt as much. In the meantime, know that your deep sense of loss is a natural response to the death of your precious father, whatever his age or however old you are--and you don't have to explain that to anyone.
Of course parents die, we all die. What your insensitive uncle fails to understand is that even though parents die, that fact doesn't mean you were ready to give your father up, or that you hurt less because he was old. The grief associated with the death of elderly parents is minimized because it doesn't carry the tragedy of premature death. That somehow, because it is in the natural order of things, it doesn’t hurt. This is untrue, at least for you and me.
As grief writer Ken Doka says, If you were twelve years old, no one would believe it odd that you would grieve the loss of your {dad}, so why do we assume it is easier fifty years later? Those fifty additional years carry even more shared memories.
Consider these thoughts about loss from the book On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler:
Losses are very personal and comparisons never apply. No loss counts more than another. It is your loss that counts for you. It is your loss that affects you.
Your loss is deep and deserves your personal attention without comparison. You are the only one who can survey the magnitude of your loss. No one will ever know the meaning of what was shared, the deepness of the void that shadows your future. You alone know your loss….
….Your task in your own mourning and grieving is to fully recognize your own loss, to see it as only you can. In paying the respect and taking the time it deserves, you bring integrity to the deep loss that is yours.
There is a well moderated grief discussion board that you might find supportive, but only you know how to grieve your father's death. You don't have to write anything but sometimes just reading other entries is helpful. It is called Hospice of the Valley:
www.hovforum.ipbhost.com
I'll leave you with a poem. It helped me when my father died. I hope it comforts you a little, too.
MY FATHER'S DEATH
By May Sarton
After the laboring birth, the clean stripped hull
Glides down the ways and is gently set free,
The landlocked, launched; the cramped made bountiful--
Oh, grave, great moment when ships take the sea!
Alone now in my life, no longer child,
This hour and its flood of mystery,
Where death and love are wholly reconciled,
Launches the ship of all my history.
Accomplished now is the last struggling birth,
I have slipped out from the embracing shore
Nor look for comfort to maternal earth.
I shall not be a [son] any more,
But through this final parting, all stripped down,
Launched on the tide of love, go out full grown.
With caring thoughts,
Christine Jette
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I CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S DEAD
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A young woman wrote that she was from another country but living in the US with her American husband. Maria learned her brother had been killed recently in her country of origin. She was unable to go home for his funeral because she lacked money for travel. Maria couldn’t get over the feeling that her brother wasn’t dead. She wrote: “He feels alive to me but I am so sad for him. Why can’t I believe that he is dead? Please help me.”
Dear Maria,
I am so sorry for the sudden death of your brother. I can think of several reasons that you believe your brother is still alive but you feel sad for him. Of course you are sad--he was your brother and you loved him. You are grieving. His death is still so new. It may be hard for you to believe that he is dead because he was young like yourself. His death is not in the natural order of things.
But, I think it's also possible that your brother still feels alive to you because you did not have a chance to say good-bye to him or go to his funeral. Without actually attending a memorial service, it is difficult to believe that he is dead, especially because you have been unable to grieve with your family.
Consider having your own memorial service for him, even if it is only for you or you and your husband. A special remembrance of your beloved brother might help you to say good-bye. Can you talk to or write your mother? Are you able to contact other family members or friends who attended his funeral? Perhaps you can write or call one of them and ask about the details of his memorial service. This might help you slowly adjust to your loss.
You wrote that your husband is supportive but you are far from home and your family. This makes your grief even more burdensome because effective grief work is not done alone. The most important thing you can do right now is to grieve. Grief needs to cry and cry some more, to talk and talk some more, to remember and remember some more. Surround yourself with people you love and people who love you. Tell your story--often.
You may find comfort now online with others who grieve or eventually find your way to a grief support group. Your grieving heart will tell you what you need to do in order to grieve your brother's death and when you need to do it. Listen to it.
You can visit a web site called Grief Healing and look at the section called
Loss of a Sibling or Twin.
You wrote that you lost your brother "by guns." Here is a link to articles about the special grief of traumatic loss including violent death:
www.griefhealing.com/traumatic-loss.htm
Or try the online discussion group for grievers because there is comfort in connecting with others who grieve.
You found your way to The Grieving Heart® for a reason. Maybe you are doing the very best you can right now. We never know about the divine timing of things. The healing from grief is like a burn: healing (with scars) does occur but we are never the same again. I am certain that your loved one would want you to enjoy life and be happy again—but it takes a very long time. Give yourself the time to grieve. You hurt because you love your brother. You will always love and miss your brother. May he live inside your heart forever.
Wishing you peace and healing,
Christine Jette
Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship.
Robert Anderson
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LINKS
Links below open new windows.
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My E-mail: TheGrievingHeart@aol.com
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There is no way out, only a way forward. Micheal Hollings
© Copyright 2008 Christine Jette. All rights reserved.
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