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I hope you find something here to comfort your grieving heart. Please visit any time.
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THE GRIEVING HEART
The day goes by like a shadow o'er the heart,
With sorrow, where all was delight. Stephen Foster
On this page...
The Grieving Heart
After the Shock
Panic, Insomnia and Nightmares
Shadow Grief
An Act of Courage
Bereavement, Grief and Mourning
Grief Rituals
Anger: A Bridge Across the Abyss
Spirituality and Anger
Why?
All the Wrong Places
Fair Weather Friends
When Does the Grieving End?
Loving in Separation: Some Final Thoughts
Links for Hope and Support
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THE GRIEVING HEART
Dying is a wild night and a new road. Emily Dickinson
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We are never prepared for the death of a person we love. Grief is the emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual pain we feel when a person close to us dies. It hurts to lose a loved one and grief is a normal, human reaction that must be expressed because of our love for that person.
This is a very difficult time for us. Sometimes the grief is more difficult because the death is sudden. It can feel complicated because of unresolved conflict, anger, or negative history with the person who has died. Grief can also be more complicated if we undergo several losses or changes within a short period of time.
The premature death of a young person causes indescribable pain. Even when the death of someone special is anticipated, the loss is still a shock to our whole being. It is common to feel overwhelmed and fragile, with thoughts and feelings that do not make sense.
Most of us are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of death and dying--denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance--but grief does not follow such a tidy set of rules. Grief reactions can overlap, repeat and take varying lengths of time because grief is messy.
Scholars have studied the process of grief, but grief is not limited to a certain set of reactions. With grief, all ranges of human emotion are possible because grief is individual and no two people grieve the same way. Grief is painful, takes considerable amounts of time and drains us of our energy, but there is not a "correct" way to grieve!
Sometimes you'll read about grievers "recovering" from grief. This term is damaging because it implies that grief is an illness that must be cured. It also suggests a return to the way things were before the death. Grief is not an illness from which we recover. It is not one thing, but a process of feelings and physical conditions.
Grievers don't recover from grief, instead we reconcile ourselves to the loss. In other words, we learn to live with the loss and are forever changed by it. We cannot judge how much grief is enough grief because it takes as long as it takes to reach reconciliation. Or, as grief counselor Ashley Prend writes, We are always healing, never healed.
Grieving never completely ends, but with time, it will erupt less frequently. Even if we reconcile ourselves to the loss, we will have bursts of grief forever. It is important to remember that the process of grief leads to healing (with scars) while destructive grief causes even more suffering.
The following are some of the normal grief reactions we may, or may not, experience:
Early reactions: Initial shock, disbelief, denial, emotional numbness, guilt, and anger.
Acute grief: Memory loss, insomnia, extreme fatigue, abrupt mood changes, poor judgement, inability to concentrate, bouts of crying, headaches, stomach cramping, chest pain, difficulty breathing, panic, appetite changes with resultant weight loss or weight gain, lethargy, reduced work capacity, feelings of hearing or seeing the deceased. (For another take on this, visit the Soulful Signs page.)
Leveling-off period: Sadness with nostalgia; more pleasant memories of the loved one; thinking of, and finding meaning in, the deceased person's life, rather than concentrating on the circumstances of the death; willingness to adapt to the change caused by the loss and make plans for the future without the loved one.
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AFTER THE SHOCK
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Many people believe that the initial shock and numbness following the death of a loved one constitutes the entire grief process, but this is only the start. As the reality of the death sinks in, shock and disbelief give way to growing awareness. With awareness, the real pain of grieving begins.
As we fully express our emotions by allowing ourselves the time and space to grieve, we gain perspective on the loss. Suppression of emotions will prolong grief. With time, we adapt to life without our loved one--and are forever changed.
Immediately after the death of a loved one, however, it seems like nothing will make us feel better. Acute grief feels like it will last forever and will erode us with pain in the process. They say that time heals, but in the midst of grief, we wonder how it will ever become less intense.
This is why it is important to consider support from others we trust. People who care about us want to help us feel better, but they may be unsure of how to act or what to say. Attempts to help may or may not work. Click All the Wrong Places for the risks of sharing the pain of grief with strangers.
For a look at the well-meaning, but unhelpful, comments people make to the newly bereaved, visit Grief Takes Turns accessed by clicking the page name bar at the top left of your screen. From there, click Good Intentions, Unhelpful Remarks.
Emotional, spiritual and physical support can come from anywhere, but sometimes in the midst of our grief, it may be difficult to ask for the support we need, or we may be unable to accept help when it is offered. Isolation from friends and family can intensify the pain. Refer to An Act of Courage for information on grief support programs, both online and off.
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PANIC, INSOMNIA and NIGHTMARES
All these, however, were mere terrors of the night, phantoms of the mind
that walk in darkness. Washington Irving, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
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PANIC
The death of a loved one brings home how little control we really have over our lives. Major changes often produce panicky feelings. Panic is similar to the feeling of fear. It is a time of high anxiety as we worry about all the changes, perhaps getting the legal things done, having enough money to live on, or wondering if we can live on our own.
It is hard to focus on one thought or task if your mind is racing. You may be forgetful and disorganized and have feelings of losing your mind. You are not losing your mind. You are grieving the death of someone you love.
One of the most disconcerting elements of panic is not being able to remember what your loved one looked or sounded like. All of this is a normal part of grief and there are things you can do to help yourself.
Have patience with yourself by giving yourself permission to operate at fifty percent for a while. If your mind is racing, or you are running from one burdensome chore to another accomplishing nothing, the most helpful thing you can do is to slow down.
Please remember this: Not everything has to be done today. What can wait? Make a list of the tasks you must complete. Prioritize the list, putting a number one by the task that needs done first, then a number two by the next job, and so on. Focus on one item on your list at a time.
Sometimes we become panicky because we think we are forgetting our loved one. If you find that you can’t remember how your loved one looked, set out some photos to reestablish his or her face in your mind. If you are lucky enough to have a video or recording of your loved one, play it and the sound of your loved one’s voice will come back to you. Believe me, you will never forget the face or voice of someone who was so dear to you, but in the beginning, thinking about our loved one can be so painful, our minds blot out sights and sounds.
It is very common not to be able to remember the funeral or events at the time of the death. Ask another family member or friend to fill in the blank spots for you. Sometimes, they will fill themselves in naturally over just a few months.
INSOMNIA / SLEEP DISTURBANCES
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Troubled sleep is very common in grief. You may have had a busy day and you feel tired, but your mind starts churning as soon as you lie down to sleep. As you toss and turn, you think about your loved one and how your life has changed. Or, you may fall asleep quickly, only to awaken a few short hours later, wide awake, restless and unable to fall asleep again. Grief is exhausting and going without sleep adds to the fatigue and increases your risk for illness.
If you are not sleeping well, here are a few suggestions that may help:
Go to bed at the same time each night and get up at the same time each morning.
If you awaken in the night it is probably best to not fight it. Get out of bed, read for a while, watch some TV, write in a journal, have a warm drink without caffeine or alcohol and go back to bed. It is best to stay off the computer if you are having trouble with sleep because computers are stimulating and can make sleep even more elusive
Experiment with exercise. Some people find it relaxing while others feel it interferes with sleep. If it relaxes you, establish a mild exercise routine before bed.
Try a hot bath, a good book or soothing music before bed to see if this relaxes you.
Lie down while you watch TV because this may cause you to fall asleep. The more boring the program, the better.
If you feel fearful at night, experiment with leaving lights on or install a security system for peace of mind. Take whatever steps you need to make you feel more secure, as this can help you sleep better.
Determine if sleeping in your own bed is comforting or a painful reminder of your spouse’s death. Sleep somewhere else if your own bed does not comfort you.
Experiment with the temperature in your home. Do you sleep better when it is warm or cool? Find the temperature for sleeping that is best for you.
Avoid caffeine at bedtime such as coffee, tea, cocoa, chocolate milk and most colas. Drink herbal tea or juice but not too much or you will find yourself getting up several times during the night to use the bathroom. Warm milk contains tryptophan, a naturally occurring amino acid that induces sleep. Alcohol and cigarettes may help you fall asleep, but as soon as they are out of your system you will probably wake up again. It is best to stay away them at bedtime.
Try an environmental CD, such as soothing music with the sound of the ocean and sea gulls, birds in the forest, rain on the roof or wind in the trees. You may also find that the white noise of an air conditioner makes you sleepy.
Meditation and prayer help some people relax and fall asleep. Try a meditation tape if you are unfamiliar with the practice. Prayer is a form of meditation for some.
Spend some time alone. Take the time to sit and think about what has happened. Friends and relatives may be uncomfortable about this, but you need the time to grieve. This is accomplished by devoting some real time to it. Active grieving may help you sleep better at night because you have allowed for the expression of sad feelings during the day.
Sleep cannot be forced. If you have been in bed for a half hour and cannot fall asleep, get up for a while and then start your bedtime routine all over again.
If all else fails, ask your doctor for a mild sleeping pill. This should be a last resort because dependency on sedatives can actually have the rebound effect of causing more insomnia in the long run.
Take any of the ideas presented here and establish a bedtime ritual. If you do the same things every night before you get in bed, eventually your routine will signal your body and mind that it is time to sleep.
NIGHTMARES
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Dreaming about your loved one is normal and sometimes very pleasant. Many people have dreams of their loved ones appearing to them and letting them know that they are well and in a better place. I believe in the power of dreams and I take a brief look at after-death communication on the Soulful Signs page.
Bu sometimes the dreams are anything but pleasant. For example, if the death was an accident, the dreamer may try in vain to get somewhere or do something to save the loved one’s life. This type of dream is very unsettling, making it hard, if not impossible, to sleep.
The origin of the nightmare may be fear of the future, or fear of life without the loved one, but usually, the underlying reason behind a nightmare is guilt or regret: torturing yourself with all the Should Haves and If Onlys. Please consider the help of a professional therapist if you are suffering from recurring nightmares. For more on the benefits of grief support, refer to An Act of Courage.
Or, try an exercise on the Give Sorrow Words page. Once there, click The Gift of
Forgiveness. Love makes all kinds of allowances and keeps on loving.
You'll find more ideas on how to take care of yourself during this difficult time by visiting Survivor's Guide.
RESOURCE FOR PANIC, INSOMNIA AND NIGHTMARES:
Fitzgerald, Helen. The Mourning Handbook. New York: Simon and Schuster,
A Fireside Book, 1994.
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SHADOW GRIEF:
Bursts of Grief for a Lifetime
Each substance of a grief hath twenty shadows.
William Shakespeare
Shadow grief is the intense sadness that overcomes us when least expected, like a shadow from the past that darkens the day, the moment or the mood.(1) Often called a "griefburst", this reliving of grief may occur at any time, usually at the most unexpected moments, and comes and goes for a lifetime. While shadow grief is often associated with mothers whose children have died, anyone can experience this type of grief burst.
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AN ACT OF COURAGE
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It is vital to our healing to understand how our sadness and the complex emotions of grief affect us day to day. Community grief programs sponsored by hospice can provide experienced grief counselors who offer grief education and counseling in a safe, supportive environment. No one knows our personal pain of grief as we do, but there are others who know how to listen to what we have to say and accept how we feel in the moment.
Low cost grief support programs and resources for adults, families and children are offered in most communities through the local hospice organizations. For information about a hospice in your area, look in the yellow pages of a phone book under Hospice.
Grief support is available in most communities through many differents sources. If your loved one died in a hospital, the Pastoral Care Department of that hospital may be a place to turn. Religious organizations, funeral homes and social services will usually have a list of grief resources for you or someone who concerns you. A telephone call to inquire about grief supportive services may well be an important first step in coping with the death of a person you love.
If you prefer online support, I recommend the Grief Healing Discussion Groups, sponsored by Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, AZ. It is a safe, anonymous, online place where you can share your stories of loss and ask questions to learn more about the normal grieving process. The site is moderated by certified hospice bereavement counselors.
We never "recover from" the loss of someone we deeply loved. Reconciliation means we can face and bear the loss, but we are permanently changed as a result. Some of the changes may be positive as we gain or discover strength within ourselves. We do not have to forever live a life of misery because it is possible to grow through grief. We have the potential for deeper meaning in our own lives after the death of someone we love--eventually.
The goals of professional grief counseling should help you learn how to: accept the loss without denial; experience the pain of grief in a safe way; adjust to the new environment without the deceased (or with the loss); withdraw emotional energy from the loss and focus it elsewhere in a constructive way; say your goodbyes (let go with love); and, move on to a new and different life forever changed, as you take your cherished memories with you.(2)
There is a wide range of normal emotions, behaviors and time frames of grief associated with the death of a loved one. Some prolonged reactions, however, may be warning signals that you're in trouble and need additional assistance. Remember, too, that prolonged grief goes beyond the expectations of normal grief in both severity and duration. Normal grief is healing (with scars) while prolonged grief is destructive.
Physical manifestations of unresolved/chronic grief include, but are not limited to: sleep disorders, loss of appetite or binge-eating, being more accident-prone, social withdrawal, thoughts of suicide, confusion, hallucinations, lethargy, muscle weakness, shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, angry outbursts, depression or despair, loneliness and a hollow yearning.(3)
The physical symptoms of unresolved grief carry profound messages for change, but often go unrecognized and untreated. Because the physical symptoms of chronic grief can mimic the symptoms of a major disease process such as heart attack or clinical depression, please consult with your physician to rule out serious illness.
Needless to say, unresolved grief is a painful place to be that can eventually cause prolonged illness and interfere with every aspect of your life. Learning to cope and find meaning after the death of a loved one is not an easy journey. The way is filled with hills and valleys. Listening to the messages of grief can put you in a healing cycle of relearning the world--if you understand the language of loss.
NOTE: Letters from the Heart addresses suicide on the secondary page below. For more on depression, click December Grief from the page name bar to the top left of your screen. Once there, select How Sad Is Sad?
Consider asking for professional help if you answer 'yes' to any of the following questions:(4)
* Are you still unable to believe that your loved one is dead even after a prolonged period of time? Look for clues such as a continued unwillingness to touch or move any of your loved ones personal belongings.
Special note: The physical objects of the loved one who has died comfort us. They help us remember and honor the life that was lived. Attachment to objects is not wrong and may help us heal. Never hurry to dispose of personal effects. Some people leave items untouched for weeks, months, or even years. The question to ask here is: Do the personal belongings of the deceased loved one offer you comfort or prolong your grief? If they offer comfort, you are healing. Prolonged grief adds to the suffering.
* Have you isolated yourself from friends and family with no concern for what is happening in their lives?
* Have you stopped doing things that used to give you pleasure? Have you noticed that this lack of interest has gone on for quite a while?
* Are you unable to take care of your basic needs such as eating, paying your bills, running errands, cleaning your house, personal hygiene, etc.?
* Is there a marked deterioration in your health?
* Have you had a prolonged and dramatic change in your sleep pattern and mood?
* Do you use alcohol or drugs on a regular basis to numb the pain of your loss?
* Do the people who love you express concern for you that is specific and chronic in nature? Are you worried about yourself?
* Do you have thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself?
If you've always been in control, it may be hard for you to seek professional counseling, but it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. In fact, asking for help at a difficult time is a tremendous act of courage. Please, if you need help with the overwhelming pain of grief, get it. Gloom has no value of itself. Your departed loved one wants you to be happy again--but it takes a very long time.
FOOTNOTES:
1. Healing and the Grief Process, Lynn Keegan, RN, editor. (Boston, Delmar Publishers, 1997), page 81.
2. Akner, Lois F., C.S.W., How to Survive the Loss of a Parent: A Guide for Adults, (New York, William Morrow and Company, 1993), p. 107-109.
3. Healing and the Grief Process, op. cit., p. 19.
4. Akner, op. cit., p. 110-111.
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BEREAVEMENT, GRIEF AND MOURNING
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Bereavement comes from the Old English word 'berafian' which means to rob or to plunder. When we lose someone we care about, we are deprived of their companionship. Our lives are thrown into disarray. Bereavement refers to the condition caused by loss through death and can persist for weeks or years.
Grief comes from the Latin word 'gravis' which means heavy. It is a normal reaction to loss that knows no socioeconomic or cultural boundaries. When faced with the death of someone we love, most of us are surprised at how powerful and painful the feelings are. The pain can be intense, severe and indescribable. As with those who suffer burns, the painful healing takes a long time and the scars remain. Yet, while the emotions of grief hurt, grieving is the coping process which leads to healing.
The word mourn is derived from the Old English word 'murnan' which means to express grief. Mourning refers to the ways societies and cultures tell us to behave in response to loss through death, including the funeral period. Examples of mourning are sending flowers to the funeral home, attending a wake or calling hours, donating money to a charity in memory of the loved one, creating a memorial of cards, candles, flowers and teddy bears; or sharing a meal with friends and family after the funeral service.
Mourning also refers to what we do within ourselves to transform our relationship to the one who has died. We have cared about a person when they were present. What happens to that caring when they are gone? Can we still care, only in different ways? As we search for answers to these questions, we mourn. Both grieving and mourning are processes that accomodate to the loss.
To summarize, bereavenmet is the condition of our lives brought about by loss, mourning is the society's accepted response (behavior, grief ritual) towards the loss, plus our internal search for answers; grief is the painful emotion of the loss, and grieving is the process that leads to healing.
SOURCES:
Attig, Thomas. How We Grieve, New York: Oxford University Press, 1996, pages 8-9.
Healing and the Grief Process, Lynn Keegan, RN, editor. Boston: Delmar Publishers, 1997, pages 2-3.
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GRIEF RITUALS
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Finding ways to remember and honor our deceased loved ones assists in the grieving process. Grief rituals, beginning with the funeral or memorial service, help us acknowledge and mourn the loss. Rituals also symbolize what we cherish and want to keep in our hearts. They bring us comfort as we commemorate the one who has died.
Grief rituals may come from religious or family tradition, but we can create our own as well. Anything that has special meaning to us may be part of our mourning rite, from displaying photographs of our loved one to bringing flowers to the gravesite. One simple idea is creating a memory book of pictures and personal stories from a loved one's life. Or, you may want to invite close friends and family members to your home for an evening of shared memories.
Soon after our mother died, my sister and I were faced with our mother's birthday. We invited a few special people to a memory lunch in her honor at my sister's house, complete with birthday cake without writing. Instead of opening birthday gifts, we each shared stories of the many ways our mother gave of herself to others. It was comforting to spend Mom's birthday with ones who loved her, too.
Grief rituals, like grief, are deeply personal. Follow inner guidance.
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ANGER
A Bridge Across the Abyss of Loss
Anger surfaces once you are feeling safe enough to know you will probably survive whatever comes. At first, the fact you lived through the loss is probably surprising to you. Then more feelings hit, and anger is usually at the front of the line as feelings of sadness, panic, hurt and loneliness also appear. David Kessler
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When we are grieving, anger is another indicator of how much we loved the person who died. If you feel anger over your loved one’s death, you owe no one an apology for your grief—or your anger. It is human to be angry and underneath your anger is your pain. Consider, too, that anger is not a “requirement” of grief because every person’s grief is unique and not every griever will feel its force.
There are many reasons to be angry when a loved one dies. You may be angry because: the medical professionals did not do their jobs correctly; friends and relatives say unhelpful things; the person who died left you alone with a legal mess or in a bad situation or caused his own death; someone is responsible for your loved one's death through reckless or violent behavior; God let you down and didn’t answer your prayers; you didn’t respond to a crisis the way you wanted; your finances have drastically changed; you have to go back to work; you must now assume the burden of added household responsibilities; you have lost control of your life; or you feel isolated from friends and family.
More reasons to be angry include: the rest of the world acts like nothing has happened; people continue to laugh and tell jokes; bills still need to be paid; night still follows day; the world hasn’t stopped because of your grief; or fill in your own reasons here. You may even be angry that you are healthy and alive and can’t join your loved one just yet.
Anger is a normal part of grief—a bridge of strength and energy (at a time when there is little of either) across the abyss of loss. Anger tells us that we are alive and we loved someone very much. We are angry because now that person is dead. Anger is progress because it means we are feeling the emotions of grief needed in order to heal. The more we honor our loss by allowing ourselves to feel anger, the more healing we will do.
People will criticize our anger because it is uncomfortable to be around. The problem is not anger. The problem arises when we misdirect anger—unfairly—at those around us or turn it towards ourselves. Anger turned inward can create physical and emotional problems such as ulcer, high blood pressure, heart attack, anxiety, depression and abuses of food, alcohol or drugs.
Lashing our unfairly at the people or pets around us, or engaging in reckless behavior, creates all sorts of chaos in our lives. We are already grieving. Anger can cause us to do or say things now that we will regret later, resulting in even more pain.
Unacknowledged anger grows larger and larger until it erupts. Suppression (ignoring it) never works. Angry energy will not go away. It must be released. The more you can understand your anger—how you react when you’re mad—the more you can make changes that allow for your healing.
Anger is an important part of grief. It’s yours, you earned it and no one can (or should) take it from you. Anger can also be a constructive force for good. Just ask the founder of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. (MADD) But when anger becomes the defining characteristic of your grief, a stuck place that causes you and everyone around you to suffer more, please seek professional help to gain a better understanding of it.
Never forget that you are angry because you deeply loved and now the one you loved is gone. You may be shocked when the intensity of your anger is in direct proportion to the intensity of your love for the one who has died. Explore your anger because the more you allow the feelings to surface the more of yourself you will find. Mostly, it will be the pain of loss and your grief will change form again, not in circles going nowhere round and round, but in upward spirals of healing.
Please visit Give Sorrow Words for suggestions on exploring and safely expressing this powerful emotion of grief. Once there, click The Red Diary.
Read what other grievers write about grief and anger. Click:
I'm Having a Horrible Day
An Inordinate Response to Loss
The two links above do not open new windows. Use your back button to return here.
RESOURCES AND FURTHER READING:
Fitzgerald, Helen. The Mourning Handbook. New York: Fireside Books, 1994.
Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth and David Kessler. On Grief and Grieving. New York: Scribner, 2005.
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SPIRITUALITY AND ANGER
She taught me that grief is a time to be lived through, experienced fully, and that the heavens will not fall if I give voice to my anger against God in such a time. Elizabeth Watson
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Spirituality, in its simplest form, is an awareness of the sacred through a relationship with a power greater than ourselves. This Higher Power, or God, has many names according to personal beliefs. We strengthen our spiritual connection with the Divine through prayer, meditation, religious practices, spending time in nature and many other ways.
According to author Elizabeth Johnston Taylor, spirituality is the part of us that seeks ultimate meaning in life, especially in the midst of suffering. At its core, spirituality is our relationship with God that underlies the nature of who we are as people in community—communities at home, work, with friends and at our places of worship. Spiritual beliefs and practices help all of us to touch upon the mystery of life and the mystery of death. (1)
For many of us, a relationship with a Higher Power is a source of great comfort during grief, especially if we believe in life after death. In grief, we may become closer to God, resulting in deeper spirituality. Or, we may pull away from God in anger, perhaps blaming God for allowing the suffering and death to occur. It is not uncommon during grief for us to fluctuate between seeking God and being angry with God.
The process of questioning faith in God is complex and personal. In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis chronicled his painful struggle with grief and anger at God after his beloved wife died of cancer. Lewis, a well-known writer and theologian, was tormented by questions of faith. He wrote with honesty about desperation and painful doubts. He concluded that his faith in God was a “house of cards” that collapsed in one blow. In his book, and in his grief, he gave himself permission to rail against God and to be consumed with anger. Here is an example of his eloquent writing:
Meanwhile, where is God? When you are happy...so happy that you have no sense of needing Him...so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him in gratitude and praise, you will be—or so it feels—welcomed with open arms.
But go to Him when your need is desperate...and what do you find? A door slammed in your face...after that, silence...The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence becomes… Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?
...Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not, "So there’s no God after all," but, "So this is what God is really like. Deceive yourself no longer." (2)
God may not be the only recipient of our anger. When we hurt, we want to hold someone accountable for our torment. If a person is to blame for our loved one's death, as with drunk driving or murder, we have an obvious focus for our anger. Less obvious, but just as powerful, is anger directed at the deceased for dying. We may also displace our anger to anyone in close proximity: doctors, nurses, friends, other relatives and unsuspecting strangers are all vulnerable to our anger.
For me, a helpful spiritual outlook means that our beliefs help us to accept human feelings as human feelings. In the throes of grief, spiritual persons are just as likely to have the same intense feelings as everyone else, including anger at God or the people around them. Having faith in a Higher Power does not negate our need to grieve. The only difference is that a helpful spirituality allows us to acknowledge that God accepts and understands potent human feelings such as anger.
Some religious traditions teach us that strong emotion such as anger, bitterness, or longing for the deceased are inappropriate responses to the death of a loved one. In this case, spirituality does not help, but hinders, the grieving process because of shame: I must be a horrible person for feeling this way. I don't have enough faith. I feel worse because of my beliefs, not better.
With a helpful spirituality following the death of a loved one, we come to know ourselves as worthwhile people, worthy of God's love in sorrow and loss, regardless of our feelings. We love and are loved, warts and all. Sadness and anger are honest expressions of grief: we are sad or angry because of our love for the dear one who has died.
As we grieve, we eventually learn that the God of our understanding makes all kinds of allowances for our potent human emotions, including anger, and keeps on loving us. Love is a powerful instrument of healing, but we must be patient and kind with ourselves. Our anger is legitimate, and it will burn away sooner if we acknowledge and express it. We are human, and grieving, in all its forms, takes time.
FOOTNOTES:
1. Taylor, Elizabeth Johnston. What Do I Say? Talking to Patients About Spirituality. Philadelphia: Templeton Foundation Press, 2007, pages ix–x.
2. Lewis, C.S. A Grief Observed. HarperSanFrancisco, A Division of HarperCollins Publishers, 1961, restored 1996, pages 5-7.
I recommend A Grief Observed because it is an unflinching, honest account of personal grief and healing. The bonus is that Lewis was a gifted writer.
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WHY?
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I will be the first to tell you that I have no answers to life's unanswerable questions. Bad things happen to good people. Nothing can stop the pain and confusion when we come face-to-face with senseless, unspeakable loss.
My best friend died at the age of thirty-two from a rare form of breast cancer, leaving two small boys without a mother. No one wanted to live more than she. My friend tried every known treatment, from radical surgery and chemotherapy to herbal remedies and hands-on healing. Her catastrophic disease was not cured and she died peacefully in her sleep eight months after being diagnosed with cancer. My prayer is that she died cradled in the loving arms of her Creator.
It seemed so cruel to leave children, ages two and five, without a mother. How could a loving God let this happen? The suggestion by some that I was supposed to "learn something" from this tragedy was offensive to me. To learn from grief felt like I was giving my approval for the death of my best friend.
Over time, my grief has taught me compassion for the suffering of others. I have come to believe that the God of my understanding shares in our sorrow, and cries with us, as we struggle to comprehend the incomprehensible. But sometimes, because we are human, we cannot soar high enough to see any grander plan--and we are left to wonder why.
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ALL THE WRONG PLACES
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In the section above called After the Shock, I wrote that in the midst of grief, we wonder how it will ever become less intense. This is why it is important to consider support from others we trust. People who care about us want to help us.
The key phrases are 'support from others we trust' and 'people who care about us.' I live in a large city where no one knows me. Most of the time I like the anonymity, but anonymity has its drawbacks: sometimes I feel alone in a crowd. When I was new to grief, I mentioned my mother's death to people I didn't know, usually in the context of buying goods and services. I never expected the unkindness of strangers.
I have an online friend who is also an advanced practice RN and a grief counselor. Her web site Grief Healing is a precious resource to me. I had an especially painful interaction with a shop clerk. I wrote Marty for a reality check on why I was so sensitive to the insensitivity of others. I share part of her compassionate response:
"You ask if it is common to get this type of reaction from a stranger, and all I can say is that, when you disclose your loss to any stranger, you run the risk of exposing yourself to the insensitivity of another, or to one who's never experienced loss, or in this case, to what may have been the raw emotions of another grieving person...Still, I don't think there is any way to immunize yourself against the insensitivity of others.
My prayer for you is that eventually the rawness and vulnerability you're feeling now will ease, and the day will come when the thoughtless, trivializing comments of such insensitive others will not hurt as much.
In the meantime, know that your deep sense of loss is a natural response to the death of your precious parents, whatever their age or however old you are. Your grief is a manifestation of your attachment and your love, and you don't have to explain that to anyone, stranger or otherwise."
Her response helped me understand that I was looking for love in all the wrong places. When we are grieving, we put ourselves at great emotional risk when we tell a stranger about our deep personal loss. Grief makes us vulnerable to the insensitivity of others.
To be fair, some people responded with 'sorry for your loss', but we never know the life experiences of another. Sometimes we get blasted. To decrease your risk of hurting even more from the unkindness of strangers, please share your grief with those you trust and those who care about you.
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FAIR WEATHER FRIENDS
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I have a close friend who didn't call me after my mother died. A few weeks later I asked her why she never acknowledged my mother's death. She responded that she didn't want to bring up a painful subject. She thought it would hurt me too much. This is a common misconception about grief.
I told her that I needed to talk about my loss because the sadness is real. She thanked me, apologized, and seemed relieved that, at last, she knew how to help me. If I had said nothing to my friend, my anger at her seeming indifference to my pain would have smoldered into resentment and I would have lost a friendship.
If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, you may have noticed that your friends have either stopped calling, or act like nothing has happened when they do communicate. Sometimes this means they don't know what to do for you, other times it indicates insensitivity to the loss. It is also possible that they are in their own emotional turmoil and have nothing to give you right now.
Usually when others ignore our pain, or disregard the events of our past that are precious to us, we go along with it without protest. After all, we don't want to make waves, whine, complain, or otherwise cause trouble in our relationships. But by not protesting, we play a role in casting aside our own grief and life experiences.
My mother was old when she died, but that doesn't mean I cast aside my grief and miss her less. My mother and father are dead, but that doesn't mean I never had a mother and father. I don't want to be treated like an orphan, or worse, like my parents never existed.
If you feel your friends are ignoring you, or dismissing your sadness as trivial, speak up! They can't read your mind. Be direct and let people know what is helpful and what is not. Tell them that you are hurting, and that talking about the loss is very important to you. Someone you love has died and you are grieving. Do not cast your grief aside. Remember, too, that you have limited energy right now. Please don't waste it on dismissive or unhelpful people.
Misinformed friends can hurt you unknowingly with their words. Phrases such as "Keep your chin up" or "Get on with your life" diminish your significant loss. People offer tired clichés most often because they don't know what else to say. Commit this response to memory and use it the next time someone tries to "comfort" you by casting your grief aside: "I am sure you are trying to be helpful, but I don't find your words supportive because____________."
True friends, those who really care about you, will thank you for your honesty and be relieved that you gave them some direction on how to help you. Treasure their friendships and use them for valuable support. "Fair weather friends" will get defensive and disappear.
I do not think I am unique in my grief. My pain is not greater than anyone else's pain. Loss is part of the human condition and all grievers hurt. As I quoted on the page about helping others, grief takes turns. Last year, it was my turn. This year it may be yours. We have a responsibility to care for one another. I do believe, however, that grief does not, and should not, diminish us as human beings. Instead, sorrow opens us, much like a lotus, to the full potential of our humanity.
Never apologize for your sadness because grief is the expression of your love for the dear one who has died. Friends should not cast aside the painful things that have happened to you, as if they never happened. Every loss has shaped you into the person you are today. No one can take your experiences and memories from you--and if they try, protest.
Click All the Wrong Places for the risks of sharing the pain of grief with strangers.
For a closer look at the well-meaning, but unhelpful, comments people make to the newly bereaved, visit Grief Takes Turns. From there, click Good Intentions, Unhelpful Remarks.
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WHEN DOES THE GRIEVING END?
Keep the door to her life open. Edith Hickman
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When does the grieving end? The honest answer is that it never completely ends. There will always be sadness and we will never forget, nor would we want to forget a life so dear to us; but the devastating emotions of new grief do become less intense over time. Please visit The Many Faces of Grief for my thoughts on the absurd notion of closure.
I have read that we know we are healing when we think about our loved one's life more than the circumstances surrounding the death. Another turning point in grief healing is when the memories of our loved one bring more comfort than pain. A part of us dies when a loved one dies—the life we shared is gone. But if we allow ourselves to feel the raw ferocity of grief, we will find one day that our loved one lives on in the life we create after loss.
From Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman, January 15 entry:
Though the loved one has died, the memory, the sense of the person's presence, has not--nor the possibility, after a while, of taking continuing joy not only from the reminiscences of the past, but in the extension of the person's spirit into our ongoing lives.
Into the nebulous, ongoing mystery of life I welcome, as if through an open door, the continuing spirit of the one I have loved.
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Soulful Signs:
A True Story of Redbirds
LOVING IN SEPARATION
Some Final Thoughts
The greatest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude. Thornton Wilder
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I created The Grieving Heart page because of personal loss and my journey of grief is changing me in unexpected ways. I am learning that loving relationhips continue long after the last breath. Death does not end my care and love for those who have gone before me, but transforms my love--even as my day-to-day life is forever changed by the loss.
I am learning to love in separation: I must let go, but not entirely. I do not need to break the loving bond with my dead parents, but I do need to redefine the nature of that bond. Rather than separating me from my parents, their deaths challenge me to maintain a meaningful connection to them.
My parents were not perfect but I know they did the very best they could with what they had. As I learn to move forward with my life, I want to embrace all that my parents meant to me--not as something fixed in time or memory, but as two people who retain the capacity to love me in ways I cannot yet imagine. I'll close with a poem:
I'M THERE INSIDE YOUR HEART
©2002 Abbey Press
Right now I'm in a different place,
And though we seem apart,
I'm closer than I ever was...
I'm there inside your heart.
I'm with you when you greet each day
And while the sun shines bright,
I'm there to share the sunsets, too...
I'm with you every night.
I'm with you when the times are good,
To share a laugh or two,
And if a tear should start to fall...
I'll still be there for you.
And when that day arrives
That we no longer are apart,
I'll smile and hold you close to me...
Forever in my heart.
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LINKS FOR HOPE AND SUPPORT
Links below open new windows.
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My E-mail: TheGrievingHeart@aol.com
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There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love. Thornton Wilder
© Copyright 2008 Christine Jette. All rights reserved.
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