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I hope you find something here to comfort your grieving heart. Please visit any time.
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GRIEF TAKES TURNS
Helping Others Who Grieve
Sorrow is a matter of taking turns. Deidre Felton
On this page...
Compassion: The Inner Light
Grief Takes Turns: Grievers Helping Grievers
Everything Has Changed
Love In Action: Helping Your Grieving Friend
Good Intentions, Unhelpful Remarks
Overused Expressions of Sympathy
A Word About Sympathy Cards
Communication from the Heart
Writing Letters of Condolence
Start Today
Taking Care of You
Links for Learning
This page focuses on reaching out and helping others who grieve. If you are grieving the death of a loved one, please visit The Grieving Heart from the page name bar in the top left corner of your screen.
December may be the "most wonderful time of the year" but it can also be the most painful for those who grieve. The Gift of Love considers ways to help your grieving friend during the holiday season.
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COMPASSION: THE INNER LIGHT
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The root word of compassion is the Latin cum patior meaning to suffer with or to be passionate for someone else’s well-being.(1) Compassion is more than the simple act of caring. It leads us to go where it hurts, to enter places of pain and to share in brokenness, fear and confusion. Compassion means full immersion in the human condition including sorrow and loss.
Compassion is sometimes regarded as a type of sentimental pity towards those less fortunate: the sick, the poor, or the mentally ill. This kind of thinking taints compassion with the sour odor of superiority. Such pity is condescension and is applied to emphasize the differences between us. To discover for yourself if you engage in pity or compassion, ask this question: When I help another, do I feel superior or humble?
Compassion is not a mere quiet sympathy with others because compassion always requires action. We no longer give help because we are supposed to, or give aid with the expectation of getting something in return. We do not reach out to another soul in pain because it shows how "evolved" we are, but because it is the compassionate thing to do.
Compassion is located in the heart, the place of our healing. The more hurts we have encountered, the more potential we have to be compassionate. As we seek to embrace the meaning of our own pain, we discover a healing light and open up to the suffering around us. We begin to understand people and events in a new way. Difficult situations no longer baffle us. This new understanding of how to help others allows us to reveal our compassion--the outward expression of our inner light.
FOOTNOTE:
1. Webster’s II New Collegiate Dictionary, Margery S. Berube, Editor. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2001, page 228.
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GRIEF TAKES TURNS: GRIEVERS HELPING GRIEVERS
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At first, there is no gift in grief. When someone we love dies we are too aware of our own sadness to think about the sorrow of others. Yet, despite our pain, grief awakens us to the suffering of others. Sooner than we think, we will learn of people with grief like ours and reach out to them with the gift of understanding.
Circumstances can throw us together in unexpected ways. If we have a chance to talk, we will recognize each other's suffering and will be strengthened in this new relationship. I had the opportunity to listen to a friend share grief feelings that were newer than mine just three months after my mother died. We discovered that we were not alone in our sadness and this insight was oddly uplifting.
Grief teaches us that we must slow down, simplify and turn inward to open ourselves to new understanding of the world around us. Grief also teaches us that we only have now to let people know we care about them. In our journey of grief, we find that giving and receiving love is the greatest healer of all.
As people around us experience their own tragedies, we can offer comfort and hope. When that day of reaching out arrives, we will be reminded of how far we have traveled on our own journey of grief. The death of a loved one is part of the human story that enables us to love and support each other through compassion.
Here is a portion of an E-mail from my wise online friend Marty, author of Grief Healing, a wonderful Internet resource: Loss is a part of living, after all, and sooner or later all of us will be faced with it. As Deidre Felton once wrote, "Sorrow is a matter of taking turns. This year, it's yours. Next year, it might be you setting the table for someone else who feels that they cannot cope."
SOURCE FOR THIS ARTICLE:
Hickman, Martha Whitmore. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief. New York: Perennial Press, An Imprint of HarperCollins Publishers, 1994, April 27 entry.
Makes a thoughtful gift for a grieving friend or loved one. At $10.00 a copy, it is affordable for most. It consistently receives five-star reader reviews at online bookstores. This is the book I turn to every day.
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EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED
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Nobody expects a person who has undergone major surgery to bounce back the next day as if nothing happened. Yet when people experience traumatic personal loss, they are expected to do just that--get right on with business as usual, even while they are "bleeding to death" inside.
The least helpful thing we can do over the long haul is to ignore the loss, or act like nothing has happened. Business is not usual for our grieving friends. Everything has changed. Our friendships may change, too, and we need to be patient with the evolution.
It is not easy to help someone we love who is grieving. We need a real desire to understand our grieving friend's experience. It takes a lot of courage to enter our friend's pain and suffering because the terrain is filled with rugged hills and valleys.
Because we cannot "fix" things, we can best help the one who grieves by being ourselves. When we are genuine, our friend will feel safe in sharing thoughts and feelings. As we stay true to our own feelings and vulnerabilities, we know that we are human and we will make mistakes. We can appreciate our humanity as we learn about our own limitations and strengths in the process.
It is our relationships that give our lives true meaning. When we are there for a grieving friend, we are companions on one of life's most difficult journeys. We have nurtured a loving relationship and helped another human being heal through compassion. What a wonderful gift to give to, or receive from, a friend.
To explore grief and friendship from a mourner's perspective, please visit The Grieving Heart page. Once there, click Fair Weather Friends.
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LOVE IN ACTION: HELPING YOUR GRIEVING FRIEND
When in doubt, be human. Karl Menninger
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The time immediately after my mother's death was fresh in my memory, or so I thought as I began to create this page. As I reflect on the few days leading up to her funeral, I am stunned that I don't remember much of it.
In the time shortly after a death, there is usually a flurry of activity: funeral arrangements, calling hours, notifying family, and lots of people stopping by or phoning. In a small town, or close neighborhood, there are many gifts of food.
I know there was a lot happening around me, but I wasn't paying attention. My mother's death was unexpected. My sister and I were in shock. The most helpful thing one of my sister's friends did for us was to take charge. She fielded phone calls, answered the doorbell, and organized the food. She labeled each dish so that it could be returned with ease to its owner and started a list of names to use as a guide for later thank you notes.
The comment I most appreciated at the time of my mother's death was, "I am so sorry. I loved your mother, too." I cherished the moments when people shared stories and memories of my mother. Frequently, a hug was more soothing than a thousand words. I also needed to recount the difficult time after surgery, which led to her death, and mourners who listened helped me the most.
My mother befriended young people. One such young woman told me a humorous story about Mom and lacey red undergarments. I won't go into detail, but I laughed out loud while standing beside her casket. Disrespectful? Not at all. The humor captured the essence of my mother. Laughter can provide blessed relief from the albatross of grief.
People who want to help seem to know what to do in the hectic time immediately following a death. But after a week or so, they return to their own lives and we are left alone to grieve and feel empty. The rest of this section offers ways to help others after the initial rituals of mourning are over.
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Back to Start Today
I believe the most valuable gifts you have to offer a grieving friend or loved one are the gifts of time and listening. When we are in pain, we have a powerful desire to share our burden with someone who will listen and care. Grief demands that we tell our story--again, and again, and again. This retelling helps us review the emotional memories of our deceased loved one, both good and bad, and is a vital step in healing.
Listening sounds simple, but it requires real effort to listen well. We may start out with the intention to listen, but we can change our purpose of listening to something else without even noticing it. For example, we start by listening, but end up needing to be an expert, to correct, to defend a point of view, to offer advice, or to escape pain by abruptly changing the subject.
To glimpse how difficult listening is for most people, try this: Notice others in conversation and see how often someone in the listening role shifts away from listening before the teller has finished speaking, sometimes interrupting the teller in mid-sentence. Most of us are so busy thinking of what we are going to say next, we don't hear what the other person is trying to convey. Staying focused on the intent to listen takes practice.
I have heard it said that silence is golden and no section about helping others is complete without mentioning the value of silence. Most people are uncomfortable with silence. We seem to have a need to fill up the empty spaces. Sometimes all we can do for a grieving person is to be present in the moment without words. Our nearness is all that matters.
Speaking for the sole purpose of filling a silence is not active listening. Stay with your role as listener. Your grieving friend may be introspective, confused, uncertain, or remembering. The internal work is important. Strive to understand the speechless moments for what they are--and give the gift of silence.
Friends in mourning need your undivided attention: grievers want to talk about their grief, not yours. In the beginning, it is most helpful to listen to your friend’s grief feelings rather than share your own experience. People new to grief often misinterpret your intentions to help and sharing a story that begins, “I remember when my father died,” shifts the focus away from your grieving friend. That’s not what you intend, of course, but the newly bereaved are in the grips of their loss and need to talk about their dear one who has died.
I remember telling a friend by phone that I had returned the day before from my mother's funeral. She responded with, "That's a bummer" and then launched into a blow-by-blow description of her afternoon. I know she was feeling her own stress, but a simple condolence would have gone a long way with me. My intellect understands she had nothing to give me that day, but I hung up feeling utterly dismissed with some unkind thoughts about my friend.
Share your experience if asked, but a good rule of thumb is to wait until the shock of death changes to the reality of the loss. This shift in grief is a very rugged part of your friend’s journey. Sharing your own experience, strength and hope will be a gift of healing when your friend is ready to hear you. Right now he hurts too much to talk of someone else's pain, or the possibility of ever feeling better. Your greatest gift is listening to the sorrow.
Avoid giving unsolicited advice because it can be taken as a personal criticism. Phrases such as, "If I were you, I would..." suggest a standard of behavior and imply you do not think your friend is measuring up. What worked for you may not be the best solution for another person. If your friend asks for advice, phrase suggestions carefully along the lines of, "I can't know what is best for you. You might consider..." Most of all, remember that people new to grief need empathy from you, not advice.
As a friend, it is not your job to be a therapist, but I'll offer some words of caution here. Expert intervention is needed if a person talks of harming self. threat of suicide seriously. In your role as helper, you can call 911, the police, a local suicide hotline, a family member, or get your friend to an emergency room, but please don't keep the threat of suicide to yourself. Take some kind of action on your friend's behalf. Please refer to Letters from the Heart from the secondary pages below to learn more about suicide.
Sometimes people who grieve become dependent on helpers and intensify their pleas for others to take care of them. If you sense this is happening with the one you are trying to help, accept your personal limits and encourage your grieving friend to seek professional counseling. Hospice organizations in most cities offer grief therapy support groups, at little or no cost, and are listed in the phone book.
Offer to attend a grief support group with your friend. Sometimes going with someone you know is easier, especially in the beginning. Your friend does not have to face a room full of strangers or a new situation alone. Don’t expect your grieving friend to jump at this idea, but it is in the realm of friendship to make the offer. Do this only if you are comfortable with the idea.
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What can you do to help others who grieve? In the weeks after a significant loss, when everyone else has returned to their own lives, pick up the phone and call the person you want to help. Ask how he or she is doing--then be willing to listen to the answer with empathy and compassion. Memories need to be shared again and again, stories told and retold. Grievers need to cry and cry some more. Please remember that sorrow is a vital part of healing and grievers will be grateful for those who can sit with them without telling them to cheer up. For more on this, go to The Many Faces of Grief. Once there, click I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can
No one can grieve all the time, however, no matter how close the relationship was before death. Grievers need to be encouraged to take breaks from their grief while still knowing it is safe to talk about their sadness. Invite your bereaved friend or loved one to join you for lunch or coffee, a walk, or other pleasant activity, but don't ignore the loss or act like nothing has happened. Allow the conversation to go where it needs to go.
You can't fix grief with cheer and grievers need to grieve. Despite your best efforts, your friend may decline your invitations to go out because grief takes huge amounts of energy. Ask again at a later time. Send a flower for no reason except to say I'm thinking of you.
A month after my mother died, I received an unexpected gift from a dear friend who lives in another state. In her note, she wrote: I am sending items to comfort you, as a mother would. The comfort package contained warm fuzzy socks, a candle, bath salts and body lotion, lavender-scented sachets, a CD of soft music and tea. It was one of the sweetest gestures of friendship I have ever known.
For more ideas on how to help, click Start Today. Refer to Good Intentions for the well-meaning, but unhelpful, things people say to the newly bereaved.
Perhaps you, too, have a friend who needs comforting right now. When we help from our hearts, we are putting love in action. Be a companion on the journey of grief. When in doubt, be human.
The following poem may be helpful in easing the burden of grief for a special friend. You can choose, instead, to send a personal favorite. Better yet, compose your own poetry. In the era of instant messaging, handwriting is a lost art. Slip the poem inside a handwritten letter; make a card yourself, print the poem on pretty paper; or yes, include it in an E-mail. It really is the thought that counts and the time you took to show you care.
SHARING IN YOUR SORROW
©2000 Abbey Press
I know this time of grief is so difficult for you,
And thinking of you hurting breaks my heart in two.
We can never really know how another person feels,
I only hope you know that my concern for you is real.
I just wish there was something more that I could do
To take away the sorrow that is weighing down on you.
Although I cannot change things, this I can extend--
My loving thoughts, my heartfelt prayers,
For you, my special friend.
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GOOD INTENTIONS, UNHELPFUL REMARKS
While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert it only irritates.
Samuel Johnson
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In the time immediately following the death of a loved one, friends and family want to comfort us, but talking about death is awkward and most people don't know what to say. When we are in the shock of acute grief, we are vulnerable and sensitive to the remarks of others. Well-meaning people often say unhelpful things. The comments are made with all good intentions of supporting us, but they can still hurt, or minimize our feelings, because they do not acknowledge the pain of loss.
In this article, I share the unhelpful remarks people made to me after my parents died. You'll also find overused expressions of sympathy that diminish the mourner's sadness. The section concludes with examples of communication from the heart.
Grief is Personal:
My Experience of Unhelpful Remarks
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During my mother's calling hours, a few people told me they knew just how I felt. Grief is personal and the comment didn't help me. If anything, it left me feeling less understood. No one can ever know exactly how another person feels, and this is especially true of grief. Even siblings, who are sharing in the death of a common parent, can feel differently because each sibling had a unique relationship with that parent.
The comments I least appreciated had to do with Mom's long life. Yes, I know parents die; we all die, but I wanted to shout, "Stop it!" I understand what they were trying to convey, and I am grateful my vibrant mother lived a lot of years; but that doesn't mean I was ready to give her up, or that I hurt less because she was old.
I have read that the grief associated with the death of elderly parents is minimized because it doesn't carry the tragedy of premature death. That somehow, because it is in the natural order of things, it doesn’t hurt. This is untrue, at least for me. As Ken Doka says, "If you were twelve years old, no one would believe it odd that you would grieve the loss of your mom, so why do we assume it is easier fifty years later? Those fifty additional years carry even more shared memories."
Having a positive relationship with my mother for so long made it very hard to break the physical bond at death. I can never know the depth of pain a parent endures when a child dies. It is an unspeakable loss. I can only know how I feel now that both my parents are dead. It hurts.
People may not have asked the age of my dead mother to intentionally dismiss my sadness, but that is what it felt like to me every time. If an adult tells you a parent has died, please do not first qualify the death by asking the age of the deceased.
The experience of my mother's funeral is fresh, but I also remember tactless statements at the time of my father's death more than a decade ago. Because I have lived away from my hometown for many years, both events were filled with people I didn't know. One such unknown woman at my father's calling hours told me she knew just how I felt because her dog had died the week before.
I understand she was trying to connect with me on the feeling of loss. Maybe the death of her dog was the most profound loss of her life. When it comes to grief, pain is pain. I have loved and cherished pets my entire life, and I have deeply grieved for them at their passing. For me personally, however, the deaths of my pets and the death of my father were not the same.
Another woman, also unknown to me, brought her little boy to the calling hours. She explained that she wanted to teach her nine year-old son about death, corpses and funeral homes in a safe way. I think children should be introduced to the concept of death as a natural part of life, perhaps first through the death of a beloved pet, but she added: So, I decided to bring him to your father's calling hours because my son doesn't know him and doesn't care anything about him.
I responded that I was glad she felt she could use my father's death as an experiment for her son. Only with my remark, did the light of understanding flicker in her brain. She turned very red and mumbled something as she left. Please, if you intend to use someone's death as an experiment for your children, do not tell the grieving family of your plan.
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OVERUSED EXPRESSIONS OF SYMPATHY
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Funerals are for the living as family and friends gather to mourn; yet so many common expressions of sympathy ignore the immediate pain of the grievers. Even if the loss is anticipated, the death of a loved one still shocks the survivors.
Please avoid well-worn expressions of condolence because, while they appear to offer sympathy, they do little more than dismiss another person's grief. A mourner's deep and complicated feelings of loss are diminished with empty, overused phrases that minimize sadness. A helpful comment does not necessarily make the sender feel better. Instead, it supports or comforts the bereaved by acknowledging the pain.
Examples of worn out expressions of sympathy that increase distress because they do not acknowledge the personal pain of loss include:
* Your loved one wouldn't want you to be sad.
If I'm not sad when my mother dies, when am I sad?
* He's in a better place.
People of faith feel the intense pain of loss even if they believe in an afterlife. See *NOTE below.
* At least she's not suffering anymore.
I was grateful my mother wasn't suffering anymore, but that didn't prevent me from grieving her death.
* Be strong.
Being "strong" suppresses emotions and prolongs grief.
* She lived a long life.
See Grief Is Personal
* Be grateful you had him as long as you did.
It is very painful for the survivor when death breaks a long, positive relationship.
* He's at peace now.
There is nothing peaceful about fresh grief.
* God never gives you more than you can bear.
Acute grief feels unbearable.
* Time heals all wounds.
That's like telling a starving man he will eat--someday. Not much comfort there.
* Call me if you need me.
Grieving people have no energy to ask for help. Call them instead!
* I know just how you feel.
Remember the uniqueness of grief.
* Keep busy. It will take your mind off things.
Grievers need to grieve in order to heal.
* It's time to move on.
Grief does not have a timetable.
* Now you have an angel in heaven.
I would rather have her here with me.
*Everything happens for a reason.
Maybe, but nothing makes much sense in the throes of grief.
*Celebrate his life.
People new to grief are too sad to celebrate.
* Her death was a blessing.
Grief does not feel like a blessing.
*NOTE to Overused Expressions of Sympathy:
Return to List of Examples
When grief is new, shock and numbness protect grievers from feeling the full force of the loss. It is normal and natural for surviving family members to use phrases such as, "He's in a better place." This acts as a necessary buffer from the pain by keeping the focus on the deceased loved one and away from personal suffering. Mourners endure the surreal experiences of funerals, wakes and calling hours any way they can: an end to suffering and the promise of everlasting life may be the only slivers of light in the darkness.
When you comfort the bereaved family, however, you best accept your role as loving friend by offering support to the living that acknowledges the pain of the loss without diminishing the sadness of the grievers.
Don't worry too much if you have used any of these phrases in the past. I certainly offered my share of "cosmic condolences" before the deaths of my best friend and both parents. Your friends know that you were trying to help them. Please do make an effort from this day forward to avoid tired clichés when you attempt to comfort a friend or loved one in grief.
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A WORD ABOUT SYMPATHY CARDS
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Syrupy-sweet sympathy cards with preprinted verses offend some people because the cards insult the bereaved rather than offer messages of comfort for the intense feelings of sadness. I must admit, the Helen Steiner Rice poetry gets on my nerves. When it comes to grief, I'm just not that evolved.
Looking back, I understand that people were trying to be supportive, and I am grateful for the attempts at kind remembrances of my mother. In the midst of new sorrow, however, it is hard to take the long view. At least it was for me.
When Mom died, I wanted to throw some of the saccharine cards against the wall. I would read one of the "uplifting" poems and think: I know I am supposed to be happy that Mom is in heaven now, but I am sad because she died. Doesn't anyone recognize my grief? I didn't like drippy cards telling me to rejoice because Mom was with God. I wanted her here with me.
You will search in vain for Hallmark sympathy cards that use the words death or died, yet that is exactly what had happened: the person who had shaped my life was now dead. Didn't anyone understand that? I most appreciated simple cards that acknowledged the pain of my loss.
My own experience with grief has made me more sensitive to the pain of others. I now give sympathy cards that carry brief messages of comfort without poetry. I also include a personal handwritten note and my own favorite verse or quote. I share a loving memory of the deceased if I knew the person well enough to have one. Do what feels right to you. You'll be on solid ground as long as your sentiments come from the heart.
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COMMUNICATION FROM THE HEART
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So what can you say if you really want to help a grieving friend or loved one? First, say what you feel with sincerity and honesty. Don't try to provide a theological reason for the suffering or an otherworldly explanation for an untimely death. Phrases such as, "It was God's will," can provoke anger or resentment and often add torment to torment. Let grievers search for their own spiritual significance of loss.
If your friend wants to talk about God, by all means listen, but please don't reason away the pain and suffering of loss with your own viewpoint. Keep in mind that what aids, comforts, or strengthens you may be offensive or meaningless to someone else. Be careful not to press your beliefs onto others.
The most important thing to remember is that grief hurts and your friend is in pain. Spiritual people are just as likely as anyone else to suffer intense feelings of loss in the throes of grief. The following comments open the door to real communication from the heart because they acknowledge the pain of loss through understanding, acceptance and respect.
Statements that offer genuine support and comfort to your grieving friend include:
* This must be very hard (or painful) for you.
* I am thinking of you.
* I want you to know that I'm here to listen.
* It's okay to be angry.
Grievers don't need your approval for anger, but sometimes just knowing that they are safe with you no matter how they are feeling opens the door later to real communication.
* I loved _______, too.
* I am sorry.
* I care about you.
* I love you.
* You are important to me.
* I want to help you.
Make suggestions yourself on how to help because your friend may not be thinking clearly. Refer to Start Today for ideas on how to help.
* I am praying for you.
Only if you think this will comfort the bereaved. Sometimes grievers are too angry at God, especially in the beginning, for any offer of prayer to be much comfort.
* I'll call you next week.
Then pick up the phone and make the call as promised. Be prepared to listen without the need to change the subject or fix things.
What mattered most to me in the days following my mother's death was the presence of others who loved her, or loved me, or loved us both. A dear friend said to me, "There are no words I can offer. I am just here to be with you in your suffering." That was truly comforting. My friend didn't need to say anything profound. Her presence was all that I needed.
The deaths of both my parents have taught me a lot about expressing sympathy to those in acute grief. I know that the most painful aspects of grief come long after the funeral is over, but in the time immediately after a death grievers are ultra-sensitive to the comments of others. I also know that my good intentions can pave the road to a place I don't want to go.
I can summarize in one sentence what I've learned about interacting with those who mourn: Keep it simple and honest while acknowledging the pain of loss. A hug, a listening ear, sharing a sweet memory, a thoughtful card, a handwritten note, gentle poetry, the silence of honest tears, or a simple I'm sorry offer comfort in the dark.
SOURCES FOR GOOD INTENTIONS ARTICLE:
Wolfelt, Alan D. Healing a Friend's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Helping Someone You Love Through Loss. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press, 2001, ideas 13-15.
Wray, T.J., Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2003, pages 78-88. Use your back button to return here.
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WRITING LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE
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It is difficult for most people to write sympathy notes, but they are necessary, especially when you cannot attend the funeral. You need to write condolence letters as soon as you hear of the loss. If you hear of the news weeks or months later, write anyway and explain that you have just learned of the loved one’s death.
A condolence note can be short, just two or three sentences, and perhaps some memories of the deceased. Call the deceased person by name, if possible. For example, writing your brother John is much more personal than writing only your brother.
The word condolence comes from the Latin words com dolere meaning to grieve together. When you send a letter of condolence you are sharing in someone's loss, but what do you write? Writing appropriate expressions of sympathy can feel like a daunting task, but it doesn’t have to be if you let your heart be your guide.
You might think of the words that you would say if you were face-to-face with the mourner. These would be the same words you want to convey in writing. Please avoid overused expressions of sympathy. Instead, imagine being in that person’s place. What would you want someone to write to you? What words are comforting? What words recognize the griever’s pain?
I have mixed feelings about the word loss because I didn't "lose" my mother. She died. You will not find a sympathy card with the word death on it, but this is exactly what has happened: your friend's loved one is dead. The word loss is a gentler way of phrasing the circumstances and so I choose it sometimes. I have included the word loss in some of the examples below. Use your own judgement and write what you feel with honesty and compassion.
Send only a card if you truly don’t know what to write in a letter, but select cards with words of comfort. Saccharine sentiments appear insincere or shallow. Your signature alone is not sufficient. Think of one or two sentences that express your love and support and write them on the card.
Sometimes, just getting the first sentence on paper is enough to let the caring thoughts flow. Here are some examples of first sentences to get you started on your letter of condolence, but your own words always work best:
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this sad time.
I am so sorry to hear about the death of __________.
I regret that I live so far away from you, especially during this sad time. I wish I could talk to you about the death of __________ and give you a hug to comfort you.
I will be calling you before the end of the week. (Please follow through on this promise.)
I have wonderful memories of __________. (Then share one or two.) I will miss her, too.
I am thinking of as you grieve the loss of __________.
Even though I cannot be with you during this sad time, please know that I care about you and I am thinking of you.
I have only just heard about __________’s death. I am so sorry. I wish I could have been with you at the funeral.
Words fail to express what I want to say to you. I am so sorry.
Words fail to express what I want to say to you. I am so sorry. I loved __________, too.
Nothing I write will ease your sorrow but I do care about you and think of you often. I will keep you and your family in my prayers as you mourn the loss of __________.
Click here for a few more suggestions. I hope the ideas serve as catalysts and inspire you to express your friendship and caring as only you can.
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START TODAY
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The purpose of this section is to help you help your grieving friend. Listening to your friend is the greatest gift you have to offer. You may not always know what to say to your grieving friend, but you can do many supportive things to help someone dear through the journey of grief. Please start today.
Some of the following ideas are my own; some are borrowed from Alan Wolfelt's book listed below. For more practical ideas on helping someone you love through grief, refer to the Resource citation at the end.
TEN THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HELP A GRIEVING FRIEND
1. Invite your friend on a weekly walk, outdoors if the weather permits, or at the local mall. Your friend is hurting right now. Please don't ignore the loss.
2. Give a comfort package: Fill a pretty basket with rich bath soaps, gels, or oils, sea sponges, candles, incense, tea, a CD of soft music and a plush towel. Include a handwritten note of caring and support.
3. Send a card, and another and another. After the funeral, people go back to their own lives. Let your friend know that you are thinking of him or her over the long haul by sending a thoughtful card every month for the next year.
Pay special attention to anniversaries, holidays, birthdays and other significant dates related to the deceased loved one. Don't ignore the loss. Thinking of you cards work well, but beautiful blank cards with your handwritten messages inside are more personal. Please avoid syrupy-sweet cards that can come across as insincere.
4. Take a drive. Select a scenic spot an hour or two away and drive there with your friend this weekend. It could be a public farm, community garden, park, river walk or beach. Pack a picnic lunch. Bring a disposable camera because getting in touch with the beauty of the world can be very healing. Develop the pictures and give them to your friend. If the pictures are very good, frame one or put the whole set in a pretty scrapbook for your friend.
5. Invite your friend to your home for an afternoon or evening. Rent a movie and have take-out food. Allow the conversation to go where it needs to go.
6. Grief drains people of energy making activities of daily living very difficult. Call your grieving friend and ask what you can pick up for them at the store today. Offer to take the dog for a walk, replace the kitty litter, clean the house, change the bed linens, run the dishwasher, take out the trash, or do the laundry. NOTE: Do only the basics. Cleaning out the closets, rearranging the furniture, or moving items that belonged to the deceased loved one are intrusive and will likely be resented.
7. Be a handy person. Consider the seasons as you offer simple services: wash windows in the spring, cut grass in the summer, rake leaves in the fall, shovel snow in the winter, or change the furnace filter.
8. Grief needs to be expressed outwardly for healing to occur. If your friend likes to write, buy a beautiful blank journal, gift wrap it and drop it off, or mail it. Begin the journal by writing a supportive note on the first page.
9. Simplify your friend's life. What tasks are overwhelming to your friend right now? Cook a few meals for the freezer, offer to help write thank you notes for the gifts of food and flowers at the time of the death, pick up the kids from school, stop by the dry cleaners, or shop for groceries. In short, run errands because your friend doesn't have the concentration or energy to do so.
10. Leave your friend alone--for a while. Sometimes the best way to help a grieving friend is to leave him alone because mourning requires a natural turning inward. Be sure to tell your friend you would like to spend time with him when he is ready. Keep sending cards or E-mails, but don't be hurt if he ignores you or declines all offers. Instead, offer your support again in a week or two. Keep offering. Please don't give up on your grieving friend.
You are not abandoning your friend when you provide the alone time needed to heal. Use the space to read about grief. Or, just for today, set aside the worries of your friend and enjoy your life. You'll have much more to offer when the timing is right. For more on this, refer to Taking Care of You.
Not many people want, or are able, to enter into another person's pain and suffering. Compassion for our fellow travelers is in short supply. Congratulate yourself for being willing to accompany someone dear on one of life's most difficult journeys.
Note: The English language does not provide me with a pronoun meaning he or she. I have chosen the masculine pronoun for clarity of writing. My apologies to the ladies reading this.
RESOURCE FOR THIS ARTICLE:
Back to Start Today
Wolfelt, Alan D. Healing a Friend's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Helping Someone You Love Through Loss. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press, 2001.
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TAKING CARE OF YOU
Take rest. The field that has rested gives a beautiful crop. Ovid
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Being supportive of a bereaved friend is a worthy endeavor that may drain you of energy. It is important to attend to your own feelings and fatigue. When you take care of yourself you are better able to care for others.
Here are some suggestions to help replenish your mind, body and spirit:
Spend some time alone, reflecting upon all that has happened. Try keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, just seeing your thoughts on paper helps with perspective.
Go for a long walk.
Listen to your favorite music.
Take the time to be with your own family. Enjoy the experience. Laugh if you can.
Find someone to talk to who is not involved with your grieving friend. Objectivity can be a great reassurance that you are doing the very best you can.
Meditate, read or enjoy a favorite hobby. Pray if this comforts you.
Visit a relaxing and peaceful place on a regular basis, such as a beautiful church, art gallery, or park.
Try to eat a healthful diet and get enough sleep. For tips on sleeping better, click Insomnia from the Grieving Heart page. The navigation bar is to the top left of your screen.
THE LONG TERM ROLE OF CARING FRIEND
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Your grieving friend is going to need your care and support as the weeks turn into months. This is especially true when other family members and friends return to their homes, their lives and their daily routines. The reality of death only begins to sink in after all the activities surrounding the funeral have ended. Your friend may need to talk now more than ever, but early enthusiasm for helping your grieving friend can give way to chronic fatigue.
The following suggestions will assist you in the long term role of caring friend:
Pace yourself. Often after a death, helpers rush forward to assist with the many tasks that need attention. Energy quickly runs out because it is impossible to keep up with their own lives while giving so much time to grieving friends. At this point, friendships begin to fray and families start to feel neglected.
To avert this, recognize that it takes months or even years to grieve.(*) Decide how much of yourself you can reasonably give. Then pace yourself so that you will have the time and energy to help your friend as long as it takes.
Create balance in your life by developing a regular schedule to visit your friend. This may be once a week in the early stages, then every two weeks or once a month as time goes by. Your grieving friend will appreciate knowing that on a certain day, you will be there to talk, walk, help, visit the cemetery together, cry, or simply enjoy each other’s company.
Know your limits. Ask yourself first what you are willing to do. Don’t do something if you would rather not. Everyone has personal limits to helping and knowing them is taking care of you.
Sharing in your friend’s grief is more than a painful duty—it is a privilege because you are sharing the most intimate part of that person’s life. The reward for sharing grief can be a friendship that is more precious than ever.
As I quoted at the top, sorrow is a matter of taking turns. The chances are good that your friend will remember all that you gave during this time of heartache and will return the gift of love ten-fold when it is your time to grieve.
(*)Note: We never stop grieving the death of someone we love. There will always be sadness, but the crippling aspects of new grief do become less intense over time.
REFERENCE FOR THIS ARTICLE:
Fitzgerald, Helen. The Mourning Handbook. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994.
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LINKS FOR LEARNING
Links below open new windows.
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My E-mail: TheGrievingHeart@aol.com
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Can I see another's woe,
And not be in sorrow, too?
Can I see another's grief,
And not seek for kind relief?
William Blake
© Copyright 2008 Christine Jette. All rights reserved.
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