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I hope you find something here to comfort your grieving heart. Please visit any time.
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THE GIFT OF LOVE:
Helping Grievers During the Holiday Season
Where there is great love there are always miracles. Willa Cather
On this page
How to Help: Giving the Gift of Love
December's Child: Helping Children Grieve
Gift Ideas from the Heart
Links
Being supportive of a bereaved friend is a worthy endeavor that may drain you of energy, especially during the busy holiday season. It is important to attend to your own feelings and fatigue. When you take care of yourself you are better able to help others. To read more, click Grief Takes Turns from the navigation bar at the top left of your screen. Once there, select Taking Care of You.
If you want to write a note of sympathy for your grieving friend but need a little help getting started, please visit Grief Takes Turns and click Writing Letters of Condolence.
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HOW TO HELP DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON
Giving the Gift of Love
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If you want to help a grieving friend during the holiday season, plan in advance for ways to reach out:
* Invite your friend to share the holiday at your house.
* Take your friend out for a special Christmas lunch.
* Better yet, invite your friend over to your place for a holiday meal.
* Please don’t avoid the loss. Your friend may need to cry and reminisce about happier times, or may need a break from the sadness that your invitation provides. Grief is personal. Allow the conversation to go where it needs to go.
* Write a note, send a card, deliver flowers, or give a thoughtful gift.
* Make a donation to a holiday charity in memory of the one who has died and have the announcement sent to your friend.
* Take a drive to look at Christmas lights. Stop for dinner.
* Grief drains people of energy making activities of daily living very difficult and holiday preparations overwhelming. Call your grieving friend and ask what you can pick up for them at the store today.
* Simplify your friend's life. What tasks are overwhelming to your friend right now? Cook a few meals for the freezer, offer to help write thank you notes for the gifts of food and flowers at the time of the death, pick up the kids from school, stop by the dry cleaners, or shop for groceries. In short, run errands because your friend doesn't have the concentration or energy to do so.
* Offer to take the dog for a walk, replace the kitty litter, clean the house, change the bed linens, run the dishwasher, take out the trash, or do the laundry.
NOTE: Do only the basics. Cleaning out the closets, rearranging the furniture, decorating, handling cherished Christmas treasures, or moving items that belonged to the deceased loved one are intrusive and will likely be resented.
* Be a handy person, or one of Santa's helpers, if this feels appropriate. Consider the seasons and your geography as you offer simple services: wash windows, mow the lawn, rake leaves, shovel snow, or change the furnace filter.
* Grief needs to be expressed outwardly for healing to occur. If your friend likes to write, buy a beautiful blank journal, gift wrap it and drop it off, or mail it. Begin the journal by writing a supportive note on the first page.
Above all, please don’t forget your grieving friend during the holiday season and don’t give up. Your friend may be hurting too much to respond. Try again later. It really is the effort that counts and the time you took to show that you care.
Not many people want, or are able, to enter into another person's pain and suffering. Compassion for our fellow travelers is in short supply and you are offering the gift of love. Congratulate yourself for expressing the deeper meaning of the season by accompanying someone dear on one of life's most difficult journeys.
For more ideas on how to help a grieving friend, click on the Grief Takes Turns navigation bar at the top left of this page.
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DECEMBER'S CHILD
Helping Children Grieve
NOTE: I am not an expert on children because I have no children. I wrote this section because of my own memory of childhood grief at Christmastime.
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After the death of a beloved family member, children may experience the same sorrow as adults but be unable to express it. Some adults assume that children are incapable of understanding loss or that they do not grieve for long. I believe, however, that children comprehend more than we realize and the grief from childhood can last a lifetime. December's deep grief is even more complex. How can you help your child during this difficult time?
Children respond best to honesty from adults and reassurance that they are loved no matter how they feel. Bereavement experts agree that one way to help children of any age grieve is to have an open discussion with them. Children are bright and they want to know why things are different now. Not only do conversations offer the opportunity to explain any holiday changes, but they also allow for questions that your kids might have. It is very important for them to understand that they are in no way responsible for the death. Simple, direct and honest answers work best.
Before the age of seven, children think in metaphors, not adult logic. Play is the work of a child, and through play, they communicate, relieve anxiety, learn about the world and attempt to master what they cannot understand. They need age-appropriate play activities to safely express their feelings. Such creative outlets include drawing, coloring, story-telling, working with puppets, dolls, toy cars, trucks and playdough.
If your child is old enough for arts and crafts, you might try making a collage together to remember your loved one. All it takes is a pile of old magazine, some cardboard, scissors, glue and your imagination. Cut out pictures and words from the magazines that remind you of the person who has died or the places you visited together. Then create a collage pasting these pieces on poster board or cardboard.
You and your child can also put together a scrapbook on the life of your loved one using pictures, newspaper clippings, bits of ribbon, pressed flowers, and any other little mementoes you have on hand. If you like, you can give the collage or scrapbook a Christmas theme and leave it on display throughout the holiday season. If you prefer more privacy, you might want to share your handiwork with only family and close friends. Or, keep the collage as a labor of love between you and your child. Trust that your caring heart will guide you in the sacred task of helping a child.
Remember, too, that children perceive death differently at various ages. Toddlers believe that death is a temporary separation and the loved one is gone a while but will return. From ages three to five, children view death as reversible, meaning they can play dead for a time but will pop back to life.
Not until about age six (ages five to nine) do children sense the permanence of death, but they aren’t yet convinced that it comes to all living things. Children around the age of ten have the emotional and mental capacity to understand the finality of death.
All children handle honesty, however painful, better than deception used for a more palatable reality. For example, telling a child that Grandpa is “asleep” may make the child afraid to go to sleep for fear that she, too, will die.
Some grieving children get confused because their friends at school are happy and excited about the holiday season. Why is everyone so sad at home? Children do not grieve as adults because they have the ability to blend their grief with the normal activities of childhood. They can deeply grieve while still wanting to carry on with Christmas.
One way you can help your grieving child carry on with Christmas is to offer a small gift a day for the month of December. Set a pretty basket in a special place and fill it with inexpensive items that you buy at the grocery or discount store: candy, costume jewelry, perfume, miniature toys, coloring books, crayons, and the like. Starting with December 1, your child opens one gift a day ending on December 25. You and your little one can then anticipate a pleasant moment together every day instead of only dread or sadness as Christmas approaches.
I had only one living grandparent and she died on December 22 when I was four years old. Her calling hours were on Christmas Eve and her funeral the day after Christmas. Mom spent Christmas Day at the funeral home grieving the death of her mother.
I was very young, but I remember being sad that my grandmother was dead; however, at age four, I expected her to come back to life. I was worried, too, that my mother was crying. Did I cause her sadness? I also remember eagerly anticipating a visit from Santa. Santa did arrive that Christmas Eve through the loving efforts of Mom's dear friends.
I was so excited on Christmas morning because Santa brought me a Tiny Tears doll. After feeding her a bottle of water, she cried the tears that I was too young to shed. Decades later, I can close my eyes and recall this sad Christmas like I am four again.
But I was fortunate. There were caring adults in my life who nurtured me when my grief-stricken mother could not. Sometimes surviving parents are too sorrowful themselves to help their own children grieve. Please consider professional grief counseling if you or your child needs it.
To learn more, please visit Fernside, a center for grieving children.
REFERENCE FOR DECEMBER'S CHILD:
Crenshaw, David A., Bereavement: Counseling the Grieving Throughout the Life Cycle, New York: Crossroad Publishing Company, 1996.
Fitzgerald, Helen. The Mourning Handbook, New York: Fireside Books, 1994.
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GIFT IDEAS FROM THE HEART
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It doesn't take much money to let someone know you care. Flowers, a simple card, a favorite CD/DVD, a contribution to a charity in memory of the one who has died, a gift basket of tea, coffee, comfort goodies or fresh fruit, or an invitation to lunch all say 'I am thinking of you' during this difficult time.
Stores such as Hallmark and Things Remembered sell beautiful ornaments and other memorial items during the holiday season. It isn't the gift that matters as much as the fact you remember your friend is hurting. With a little bit of effort, you can find an appropriate and meaningful gift for your grieving friend.
I love receiving books as gifts and I have read every book listed below. They are not expensive and can be purchased online. I believe any one of them makes a thoughtful gift because, by giving it, you are acknowledging your friend's loss and pain amidst the merrymaking of the seaon.
1. Hickman, Martha Whitmore. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief. New York: Perennial Press, An Imprint of HarperCollins Publishers, 1994.
Quiet strength and gentle comfort. The author's teenage daughter died in a horseback riding accident. Eclectic in its approach, the author offers honest and compassionate words for anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one.
Healing After Loss makes a thoughtful gift for a grieving friend or loved one. At $10.00 a copy, it is affordable for most. This is the book I turn to every day.
2. Holiday Hope: Remembering Loved Ones During Special Times of the Year. Compiled by the Editors of Fairview Press, illustrations by Randy Scholes. Minneapolis, MN: Fairview Press, 1999.
Book Description: A compilation of advice, stories, poems, activities, and even music for coping with grief during holidays and other special times of the year, including birthdays and anniversaries.
Book Review: "An important and much needed addition to personal and public library collections of self-help books for grief counseling, death, and dying." ---Wisconsin Bookwatch
About the Authors: Based on the Holiday Hope program developed by Fairview Health Services. Fairview is a non-profit, community-focused health system affiliated with the University of Minnesota, providing a complete range of services in many settings.
3. Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth and David Kessler. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. New York: Scribner, 2005.
REVIEWS:
"Elisabeth Kübler-Ross left us one last gift, and it's a masterpiece. She and grief expert David Kessler have written a modern classic, the kind of book that all of us will want to keep on our bookshelves because we know it speaks to our deepest hearts."-- Marianne Williamson
"On Grief and Grieving is a heartfelt tribute to all who have lost a loved one from a woman who changed our lives by changing our relationship to death and dying. What a wonderful book Elisabeth and David have written."-- Caroline Myss
BOOK DESCRIPTION:
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's On Death and Dying changed the way we talk about the end of life. Before her own death in 2004, she and David Kessler completed On Grief and Grieving, which looks at the way we experience the process of grief.
Just as On Death and Dying taught us the five stages of death -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- On Grief and Grieving applies these stages to the grieving process and weaves together theory, inspiration, and practical advice, including sections on sadness, hauntings, dreams, isolation, and healing.
Consistently gets five-star reader reviews at large online bookstores. I believe this would make a thoughtful gift because it has a compassionate and supportive section on grief during the holiday season.
4. Smith, Harold Ivan. A Decembered Grief: Living with Loss While Others Are Celebrating. Boston: Beacon Hill Press, 1999.
From the back cover: "Surviving the loss of a loved one at any time of the year is difficult. And when the grief becomes more intense during the holidays, weeks usually spent celebrating are now marred by awkwardness, unpredictable emotions and conflicting obligations.
With keen perception, A Decembered Grief provides illustrations and insights for those facing grief during the holidays--while emphasizing God's ability to...transform the season into a time of grace and healing."
Focuses on Christianity and the Christmas season, but carries helpful suggestions that can be applied to any holiday. The format is right for grievers: small sections that can be read at any time and in any order.
Examples of the wisdom you'll find here include: setting boundaries; recognizing the uniqueness of your grief; crying if you want to; altering, rather than abandoning, your traditions; unplugging the Christmas mania; honoring the one who died; and how to weigh the criticism you may get from friends and family.
Gentle, practical, compassionate and honest. The author has a clear and beautiful writing style. Consistently gets five-star reviews at online bookstores.
5. Wolfelt, Alan. Healing Your Holiday Grief: 100 Practical Ideas for Blending Mourning and Celebration During the Holiday Season. Fort Collins, CO: 2005.
From the publisher: "With compassionate insight, this handbook helps those in mourning through what can be the hardest time of year—the holiday season. Mourners will better understand their complex emotions after reading about such topics as honoring thoughts and feelings, creating new traditions, finding ways to de-stress, and incorporating healing rituals into the holiday season.
This book's practical wisdom also covers issues such as decision-making during the holidays and coping with the blending of mourning and celebration. All of the answers and advice in this guide are provided in the popular 100 ideas format that features one idea per page, allowing readers to fully absorb each suggestion."
My mother collected teddy bears. I received a grief bear after she died and it was a great source of comfort to me when grief was new. Grief bears are not for everyone but they can make loving gifts for a someone in need of a hug.
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LINKS
Links below open new windows.
The two grief bear sites are not the same. A Memory Bear is not your average grief bear...
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My E-mail: TheGrievingHeart@aol.com
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We are real friends now because we have been able to share some painful experiences
in our private lives. May Sarton
© Copyright 2008 Christine Jette. All rights reserved.
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